Space Dandy- It's a Fanfic, Baby!
by Half-Wit Ed-Boy
Summary: Anime: Space Dandy. Dandy and his crew are recruited to star in their very first fanfiction! Follow Dandy and his crew as they travel across the universe in search of adventure, fortune, and boobies! AND YES, I KNOW I'M EVIL FOR POSTING FANFICTION OF AN ANIME THAT'S ONLY PREMIERED TWO EPISODES! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Correct me if I'm wrong, but I do believe this is the first Space Dandy fanfiction ever! I know the show has only premiered two episodes, but I got this idea and I just had to do it! This fic was tons of fun to write, and I kind of went overboard with the first chapter, but I feel it turned out great! So sit back, grab your beverage of choice and enjoy the fic! **

**The universe is filled with billions of extraterrestrial beings, many of them new and undiscovered! But one man named Dandy plans on finding and registering them all! He travels the universe with his crew and amazing pompadour in search of adventure, excitement, and boobies! These are the adventures of the dandiest guy in space, Space Dandy!**

"The dandiest guy in space!? That's not even close to something our show narrator would say!" QT, a small vacuuming robot yelled as she read the opening sequence.

"What the hell are you talking about? He sounds like our same old narrator to me," Dandy replied. He lounged on the couch, picking his nose with his pinky.

"Only two episodes have aired and we're already starring in lame fanfiction from untalented unknown writers," QT complained as she used her vacuum hands to suck up some old paper off the floor.

"Hey, he's keeping me in the story, so I'm not complaining," Dandy's third crewmember, Meow the cat-like Betelgeusian alien remarked as he stuffed a paw full of potato chips in his mouth.

"Not even a paragraph in and I'm already bored," Dandy said. "Let's go to Boobies and grab us a bite to eat!"

"But Dandy," QT replied, "we're broke! How are we going to pay for our meal?"

Dandy stared at his robot sidekick, and then glanced over at Meow, who was still stuffing his face with potato chips.

"I think I know how we can get some cash…" Dandy finally answered, rubbing his enormous chin.

Fifteen minutes later, the crew was standing at the front of the line at the Space Alien Registration Center, a large outpost that registers rare and newly-discovered alien species. Dandy shoved Meow in the registrar's face, the potato chip bag he was eating from earlier shoved over his head and machine parts sticking out of the sides.

"This is humiliating…" Meow muttered.

"That is a Betelgeusian in a potato chip bag," the lady at the registrar desk said, not amused.

"No it's not!" Dandy lied. "He's a, um… some kind of potato chip alien we found on the lost planet, Fritos Lay! Now where's my reward money?" The registrar lady just took her glasses off and rubbed her eyes.

"I told you this wouldn't work," QT mumbled.

"I'm sorry, Dandy, that's obviously not a new species." The registrar lady removed the bag from Meow's head.

"You sure you can't give me just a little money for him?" Dandy asked, flashing his teeth, trying to make himself look extremely handsome.

"Don't make me call the guards," the registry lady threatened. She then let out a sigh. "Look, if you need money this badly, I can give you a job." She reached into a file cabinet behind her and pulled out an old-looking file. "One of our rarest alien species went missing about a year ago, and we need to find her to update her registry. Her name is Carrie, and she's the last of a now-extinct humanoid species known as Sepians." She threw the file on the desk, its contents flying open.

Dandy examined the contents. There was a lot of data, including blood type, a baby picture of the lost Sepian, a photo of her human step-father, and several medical records. There were also several DNA samples sealed in a little baggie containing a strand of her hair and a skin sample sandwiched between some sort of clear, plastic material.

"So, what kind of reward are we talking about?" Dandy asked.

"I'll have to take it up with my boss," the lady replied as she began filing her nails. "But I'm sure it's considerably large."

Dandy's eyes turned to dollar signs. "I'll get right on it!" He snatched the file and turned to leave when the registrar lady stopped him.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you, those pictures are outdated! She's probably around nineteen years old now!" Dandy just waved back at her, wearing a smug smile across his face.

"That was quite a convenient plot twist," QT stated.

"So, where do we start looking for this chick?" Meow asked. Dandy skimmed the contents of the file again and closed it, a confident smile across his face.

"I have no idea!" Dandy announced.

"We could always ask around," QT suggested. "That's always worked before."

"Hmm, yes," Dandy said, stroking his chin. "And I know just where to start!"

"Let me guess, it starts with a 'Boob' and ends with an '-ies'," QT mumbled.

"Good guess!" Dandy replied, boarding his ship with his crew.

The _Aloha Oe_'s engines roared as it pulled from its docking station. It turned around and flew deep into space towards Dandy's favorite eatery, Boobies.

Boobies is a chain of restaurants similar to our modern-day Hooters, typically orbiting the most breath-taking planets in space, giving its customers an outstanding view of the beauty of outer space. However, most customers visit the restaurant for one- make that _two_- things. The workers were all shapely, well-endowed humanoid women who wore skimpy bikinis. As for the food, it was mediocre at best, but obviously not why most people went to Boobies.

Dandy walked into the restaurant proudly, ogling every waitress that walked by. The booths and bar were filled with aliens of all different shapes and sizes. Outside, a blazing orange, close-by star illuminated the windows, almost outshining the lewd restaurant's bright, neon eyes. Dandy strolled up to the bar, Meow and QT following close behind him. He stopped in front of a busty, blonde waitress wearing a nametag that said "Honey."

"Checking in at Boobies," Meow said to himself as he typed on his cell phone and snapped a selfie.

"Dandy!" Honey beamed when she saw Dandy standing in front of her. "Where have you been? It's been three days since your last visit!"

"I've been a little short on cash, but now I've got a job looking for a missing alien," Dandy explained, staring at Honey's chest. He tossed the file on the counter and Honey opened it.

"Aw, what a cute little girl," Honey cooed when she saw the baby pictures inside. "And she's gone missing?"

"Yup, and we're trying to find her," Dandy replied, lighting himself a cigarette. "Have you heard anything about it?"

Honey examined the pictures. "She kinda looks like that girl that came in looking for work a couple of years back looking for a job. Oh, but wasn't at this restaurant, but at the Boobies in Andromeda." Honey handed the file back to Dandy. "I heard she was the worst employee they've ever seen. She kept eating all the restaurant's food, so they fired her."

"I see," Dandy replied, staring at the photograph from the file. "Do you know if they'd have any record of her?"

"Why of course! But not at this place. You'd have to go to Andromeda and talk to the manager at there. He should be able to help!" Honey poured Dandy and Meow a drink and set it in front of them. "On the house!" She said with a wink.

Dandy and Meow finished their drinks and left with their new lead, Meow holding the file under his arm.

"This is almost too easy," Dandy said, crawling aboard his ship. "All we have to do is go to the Boobies in Andromeda, get this chick's records, and we'll have enough cash to go out and eat!"

"But Dandy, Honey said it's been two years since this girl's been fired. The trail's probably gone cold by then!"

"Don't listen to this hunk of junk!" Meow said, kicking QT in the wheel. "I hear the ramen in Andromeda is to die for! We should hit one of those shops up while we're there!"

"That sounds great!" Dandy gave Meow a thumbs-up.

"Guys! This is obviously some kind of plot-hole the writer has come up with to trap us in his lame fanfiction story!" QT yelled after them. "Oh, forget it…"

A short trip later, the crew was in Andromeda, despite QT's warning. Orbiting a neon blue and purple planet was another Boobies restaurant, and the _Aloha Oe_ was flying right towards it. The ship docked at the orbital restaurant and Dandy and his small crew exited the ship to talk to the restaurant's manager.

The manager was a large, insectoid alien known simply as a Scavenger. They were human-sized, roach-like creatures that often traveled in large groups called "swarms", salvaging space junk for money. Sometimes a few would break away from the swarm to seek his/her own fortune.

"Checking in at Boobies in Andromeda," Meow said to himself, once again typing on his phone and taking another selfie.

"So, what seems to be the problem?" The roach-like Scavenger asked, green mucous-like slime oozing from his mouth as he spoke.

"We're on the hunt for one of your previous employees, a Sepian named Carrie," Dandy explained, spreading the file across the Scavenger's desk.

"Hmm… Yeah, I remember her. Worst employee the chain has ever seen! She wouldn't listen to a word anyone told her and she ate everything she could get her hands on!"

"So we've heard," Dandy replied.

"Do you know where she went after you fired her?" QT asked.

"No, we don't keep track of our employees once we fire 'em!" The Scavenger replied, lighting a cigar. "You could try the unemployment office. It's just three star systems away from Andromeda."

"Thanks!" Dandy said, gathering up the file papers. "Oh, and do you think you could give us a more updated picture of our little lost… whatever she is?"

"Certainly! But it'll cost ya," The Scavenger leaned in close. "Fifty percent of the reward you're getting from the Registry Bureau!"

"Fifty!? That's almost half!" Dandy exclaimed.

"That _is_ half, Dandy!" QT added.

"No way! No picture is worth that much!"

"How much is this reward you're getting?" The Scavenger asked.

"We don't know yet," QT answered.

"But whatever it is…" Dandy pulled out his laser pistol and pointed it at the Scavenger. "You're not getting your slimly hands on single credit!"

The Scavenger's huge, bug eyes widened in fear, but then he started laughing uncontrollably. He hit a button under his desk and fifteen Scavengers clad in armor wielding large rifles stormed into the office, pointing them in Dandy and his crew's faces. Dandy holstered his weapon and grinned sheepishly.

"Fifty percent seems fair!"

"Good!" The Scavenger exclaimed, spitting saliva all over Dandy's face. "Just make sure you get it to me, or I'll have to send someone after you!"

Dandy, QT, and Meow left the restaurant quietly, Dandy actually not stopping to stare at the scantily-clad workers, mostly because of the large laser rifles planted in his face as the Scavenger's guards escorted him to his ship. Dandy flew his ship carefully out of the docking bay, and then punched the ignition, flying his ship as far away from the place as quick as he could. Just as he was out of sight, a small, black ship shaped like a human skull took off after them…

"As if I'll be splitting anything with that slimy roach guy!" Dandy exclaimed as he left the star system. "Once we collect that reward, we'll just lay low for a while and avoid traveling to Andromeda!"

"Or at least until they change managers," Meow added, typing something on his phone.

"Are you sure you know what you're doing?" QT asked Dandy.

"Of course! Have I ever not known what I was doing?"

"Plenty of times…"

Dandy whipped out a switchblade comb and ran it through his pompadour. "This chick is quite a looker," he said looking at the picture the Scavenger gave him. "I hope she's got a nice ass!" QT grumbled and rolled her eyes when she heard Dandy say that.

"Her eyes are too big," Meow said, also looking at the photo. "And her hair's too spiky."

"Eh, as long as she's got a great body and a sweet personality, I don't care about the face or hair." Dandy stuffed the picture in his shirt pocket and lit a cigarette. "I just hope she's working as the lifeguard of some lost, nude beach!"

"Heh-heh, I like how you think…" Meow grinned, a bit of blood pouring out his nose.

"I'm starting to like you," Dandy added, wrapping his arm around Meow, his nose also bleeding a bit.

"Both of you focus! We missed the turnoff because of your perverted fantasy!" QT screamed.

The _Aloha Oe_ came to a screeching halt and turned around. Finally back on course, it flew to another large space outpost with a dull, glowing holographic billboard reading "Andromeda Unemployment Office." The ship docked and its crew disembarked, however they found an unfortunate discovery…

"Closed!?" Dandy wailed. "Why the hell would they be closed!?"

"The sign says it's due to a Golo-worm infestation," QT pointed out.

"And I thought this fanfic writer was going to be a cool guy," Dandy whined. "Damn you, fanfic writer!"

"I wouldn't talk smack about the guy just yet…" Meow said, pointing to a small, orbiting space station, a huge "ramen" sign with flashing neon letters floating just a few miles away from their location. The skull-shaped ship that followed them from Boobies was parked there, but none of them really took notice of it.

"Hmm, well since we're here, let's grab some ramen!" Dandy said. And faster than Dandy could say, "Boobies", the crew was seated at the ramen shop, stuffing their faces with noodles.

"Except for me," QT said. "I'm a robot and can't eat."

"Mmm, this isn't too bad," Meow declared, slurping up a mouthful of ramen noodles.

"Yeah, it's pretty good," Dandy added, swallowing some ramen.

"But Dandy, how are we gonna pay for this? We're broke, remember?" QT whispered as the ramen shop owner glared at Dandy and Meow angrily.

"I can help with that," a shady man wearing a black cloak replied, tossing a few credits on the counter.

"Thanks, mister!" Dandy said, swallowing another mouthful of noodles.

"It's no trouble!" He lifted his hood a little, revealing what looked like a skull coated in metal, piercing red eyes glowing in its sockets. "I overheard your conversation with the manager at Boobies. I might be able to help you find your lost alien…"

"What's your angle, stranger?" Dandy asked suspiciously.

"No angle, just thought I'd help you guys out a little," the metallic skull said, laughing sinisterly.

"I don't trust this guy," QT whispered to Dandy. "He seems like another bad plot device the fanfic writer threw in to keep the story going."

"I heard that!" The scary, metallic skeleton man hissed. "I'm a well-thought out original character the author created to help you on your journey! I swear!"

"Well in that case, do what you were created to do and help us!" Dandy exclaimed. "Tell us where we can find this girl?"

"She's quite a distance away from here," the skeleton man said with a low, scary cackle. "She's working on a junk planet in Alpha Centauri."

"Junk planet? And I was hoping she was at a lost, nude beach…" Dandy complained.

"Here, you're going to need these." The skeleton man handed Dandy a small sack full of beef jerky. He then walked towards the door, his metal foot clanging as he stepped. "Oh, and you might want to tell your furry cat friend to watch his back!" And with that, he walked out the door, cackling loudly.

"Hey, I'm not a cat!" Meow yelled angrily. "I'm a Betelgeusian! Wait, what do you think he meant by that last thing he said?"

"Who cares?" Dandy shoved the bag of dried meat in his pocket and slurped the last of his ramen broth. "Let's go bag that reward!"

"But I haven't finished my ramen yet!" Meow wailed.

"Too bad! You shouldn't have been flapping your gums with the scary, skeleton man the nice fanfic author created to help us!"

"I think we should just quit before the author decides to make this a regular fanfic with chapters and everything," QT said.

"We'll end the fanfic once we find this cute, Sepian chick with the nice ass!" Dandy exclaimed as he dragged his crew aboard the _Aloha Oe_.

"How do you even know she has a nice ass?" QT asked. "You've only seen a picture of her face!"

"QT, I'm an ass-man, and a true ass-man can tell a woman has a nice derriere just by looking at her face," Dandy explained.

"That doesn't even make any sense," QT said. "And since when did you get such a sophisticated vocabulary?"

"Never mind that, let's head out!" And yet again, the _Aloha Oe_ took off towards yet another destination.

"I have a feeling this fanfic author is taking us on some wild goose chase," QT griped.

"Who cares? We got free ramen, so I'm happy," Meow replied.

"I'll be honest, I'm not too thrilled about digging around some garbage planet, but if it means I get to meet a lady with a nice posterior and a hefty cash reward, I'm fine with whatever this author throws at us!" Dandy grinned, flashing his shiny teeth.

After several hours, the _Aloha Oe_ arrived at the junk planet in Alpha Centauri. This planet was one of several junk planets put together by the Intergalactic Department of Waste Management, and the entire planet was created from the wreckage of space colonies, giant battleships, and junk collected from all across the Milky Way. The _Aloha Oe_ landed on a large island of junk surrounded by some sort of glowing, orange slime.

"Checking in at Alpha Centauri IDWM Junk Planet Number 98645," Meow said as he typed on his phone again.

"Stay clear of that slime, Dandy," QT warned. "It's runoff from decomposing hyperdrive energy coils. In this state, it's highly corrosive and can cause severe chemical burns."

"Maybe we should've landed somewhere safer," Dandy mumbled as he assessed the situation. "Where's that skeleton guy? Maybe he can help us out."

"I wouldn't rely on anything that incompetent fanfic author adds in the story, Dandy," QT said. Just then, the junk island they were standing on shuttered and sank a few feet into the river of corrosive, scorching hot slime. "I'm sorry! I love this fanfic author!"

"Relax, it's just the junk settling from the weight of the ship," Dandy explained.

"Or it could be one of those junk monsters I've heard about," Meow added.

Dandy noticed a trail of junk sticking up out of the river leading towards a massive pile of junk. He and his crew hopped across them towards it, Meow a little hesitant.

"What's wrong?" Dandy asked. "Surely you don't believe in junk monsters!"

"N-no!" Meow retorted. "I was just remembering that thing the skeleton guy said back at the ramen shop about watching myself."

The crew made it to the huge mass of junk. Dandy un-holstered his pistol and walked ahead of QT and Meow, who were holding random pieces of junk as weapons. They proceeded cautiously across the landscape of rusting, twisted metal, looking for the lost Sepian.

"Dandy, my scanners are showing signs of life three-hundred yards that way," QT informed his friends.

"Let's go check it out," Dandy said, moving in the direction QT picked up that life sign.

Since everything looked the same, QT took the lead. The three of them felt like the walk took hours; junk planets were often infested with all sorts of ne'er-do-wells, looking to make a quick buck by stealing scrap metal to sell on the black market. There were also tales of giant rats and rogue robots that guard the junk, and the most outrageous tale of all, a giant monster made entirely out of junk. But that would be too cliché… Or would it?

"We're right in front of it," QT said, stopping.

"Where? I don't see anything but junk," Dandy responded, looking around and seeing nothing but junk.

"I told you she was just a big bucket of bolts," Meow teased.

"Shut up, there's something here!" QT snapped. Suddenly, a pile of junk directly in front of them shuttered and rose up out of the ground.

"Junk monster!" Meow screamed. Dandy pointed his pistol at the junk pile. A long tail with light brown fur popped up out of the junk pile. Dandy pointed his pistol at it as it writhed around like a huge worm.

"What is it? A rat tail?" Dandy asked.

"No, rat tails aren't that hairy," QT replied. "I don't know what it is."

The junk pile moved and a humanoid figure emerged from it, holding a piece of metal up to her mouth. She had oil and rust stains all over her face, clothes, and all in her long blonde hair that nearly dragged the ground. She had what Dandy would consider an "average" body type, but with a much larger bust size. In fact, Dandy had never seen breasts that big on a girl so small. The tail was attached to the girl's backside, and poked out of her long, messy blonde hair. She stared at them for a second.

"Hi!" She greeted them. She then took a bite out of the metal piece she was holding.

Dandy stared at her for a moment, then took a long look at her enormous boobs. "Check out those knockers," he whispered, nudging Meow.

"Yeah, she looks like she stuffed a couple of beach balls up her shirt," Meow replied as he snapped a pic of the girl with his phone.

"Are you… Carrie?" Dandy asked, his nose bleeding a little.

"Mm-hmm," Carrie replied, still munching on her piece of metal. Dandy held up the picture and looked at her face. Aside from the filth, it was a near-perfect match.

"QT, did I ever tell you how much I love big-boobed girls?" Dandy whispered to the little yellow robot.

"I thought you were an ass-man," QT replied.

"Miss Carrie, this place is no place for a lovely lady such as yourself," Dandy said, straightening up his clothes and flashing his trademark smile. "Why don't you let me take you away from here, and maybe we can get to know each other a little better!" Dandy raised his eyebrows seductively, but Carrie just stared at him, the piece of metal sticking out of her mouth. "Don't eat that…" Dandy yanked the metal piece from her mouth and tossed it aside.

"But I can't leave until I get rid of it all!" Carrie answered.

"All of what?"

"This!" Carrie pointed off into the horizon, where there was nothing but junk as far as the eye could see.

"But…how?" Dandy asked, dumbfounded by what this girl was telling him.

"Like this!" Carrie picked up a broken remote control of some kind and happily took a bite out of it. "And after I'm done, I get money I can use to buy as much real food as I want, but for now, this isn't too bad." Carrie took another bite.

"But if you come with us, you can have whatever type of food you want! Lunar lobsters, space pork… You name it, I'll get it for you!"

Carrie shook her head. "Nah, I like it here! I can eat as much as I want and no one yells at me, but thank you anyway! Maybe we can get that stuff after I'm done with work." Carrie picked up a bundle of wires and started chewing on them as if they were licorice sticks.

Dandy stared at her. "What's wrong, Dandy?" QT asked.

"I'm not sure whether to be disgusted by her or turned on…"

"I'm kind of both right now," Meow replied. Just then Carrie caught sight of Meow. Her eyes fixed on her, she dropped the bundle of wires and reached for him. "Whoa, can't we take it slow first? I'm supposed to do this to you!" Carrie then bit into Meow, making a sickening crunch. Meow screamed in agony. "Get her off me! Get her off me!" He smacked the Sepian across the head with his cell phone, surprising her. Meow squirmed out of her grip, bleeding from his shoulder.

"You okay?" Dandy asked the Betelgeusian.

"I'll live, but get her away from me!" Meow yelled as Carrie started chasing him around.

"According to her file, she eats anything, but can be predatory when around small animals," QT explained, reading Carrie's file.

"So how are we going to get her aboard the ship?" Dandy asked.

"I don't think it would be wise to bring her with us. She seems dangerous! And besides, she just said she was happy here."

"Look, I didn't get recruited by some lame-ass fanfic author to find some chick with a nice rack and a high reward on her head just to leave her and go home empty-handed! If she won't come willingly, we'll just capture her, load her onto the _Aloha Oe_, take her to the Registry Bureau, and claim our reward!"

"Sounds easier said than done," QT replied.

Meanwhile, Carrie had chased Meow some distance from Dandy and QT, driving him into hiding. The Sepian looked for her prey, smelling the air for him as she searched under slabs of metal. Meow was hiding nearby inside of a half-buried refrigerator, bandaging his wound with some medical tape.

"I knew there was a monster here somewhere," he muttered. "I just didn't think it would be a titty monster!"

Suddenly he heard a nearby crash that made him jump. He wedged himself as far back as he could, covering his head with a piece of tin foil that was lying beside him. Without warning, a hand reached in at him. He dodged it narrowly. He peeked out from under his tin foil and saw Carrie leaning over the opening. Carrie reached for him again, her tongue sticking out the side of her mouth, but Meow dodged again.

"No chick makes a meal out of me, no matter how hot she is!" Meow yelled. He jumped at Carrie and punched her in the left breast, then he made his escape as the Sepian reeled in pain.

Meow ran towards Dandy and hid behind his legs. "Ah, there you are," Dandy said.

"Save me! She's trying to eat me!" Meow then saw Carrie running towards them, holding her left breast in one hand and a large, metal club in the other. She was obviously very upset.

"Hey, chill out for a minute!" Dandy exclaimed.

"That food hurt me, and now I'm gonna smash its brains!" Carrie growled.

"Now that's not very lady-like!" Dandy reasoned with the angry Sepian.

"I don't care!" Carrie roared.

"What was that you were saying about capturing her?" QT muttered.

"The fanfic author couldn't make this easy…" Dandy groaned as he watched Carrie smash a huge slab of metal with her club and throw a large, busted-up engine across the junkyard.

Carrie continued on her rampage, smashing and throwing large pieces of junk until she calmed down.

"There, are you feeling better now?" Dandy asked.

"Yup!" Carrie beamed, looking much happier. "I even forgot why I was mad!"

"Good, now how about we take a little trip?"

Carrie thought for a second. "Nah!" Carrie picked up QT and started shaking her around and playing with her.

"Hey, put me down! Dandy, help!"

"You're still not thinking of taking her with us, are ya Dandy?" Meow asked, poking out from Dandy's shirt collar.

"Of course! I need that money. But the question is how do we get her to come with us if she won't go willingly and she's obviously too strong and psychotic to come with us?" Dandy shoved his hands in his pocket as he tried to think of a solution, when he felt the sack of beef jerky that metal skeleton gave him. "That's it! Hey Carrie!"

Carrie stopped shaking QT around and turned to Dandy, who was holding a piece of beef jerky in his hand. She quickly caught its scent and was attracted to it like a fly to syrup. Dandy handed it to her and she ate it in one bite.

"You like that don't you?" Dandy asked her. Carrie happily nodded, saliva dripping from her chin. "Want more?" Carrie nodded again, this time more wildly.

Dandy tore up the pieces of jerky and started dropping them along the ground behind him as he walked, Carrie following behind him, picking the pieces up and eating them as she went. Meow was still hiding in Dandy's shirt and QT was leading the way. They kept going onwards, dropping jerky for Carrie to eat, leading her closer to the _Aloha Oe_. Finally, they made it to the little island of junk they landed at, Carrie happily munching on the last piece of jerky and standing five feet from the main hatch.

"I've got some more jerky in the ship if you want it," Dandy said as Carrie swallowed her chewy treat.

Carrie stared at Dandy. "But I don't want to go in there! It smells funny."

"Yeah well so does this planet," Dandy muttered. "Now go get your jerky so we can take off, I mean, have a picnic later!"

"No! _You_ go get it!" Carrie demanded with a smile as she folded her arms under her large breasts.

"Any more brilliant ideas?" QT asked sarcastically. "We all know that was the last of the beef jerky."

"Actually yes," Dandy answered as he ran inside his ship. He returned holding something behind his back. "I hope you can forgive me, Carrie, but we seem to be out of jerky."

"Aw, but I'm still hungry!" Carrie whimpered.

"Instead, I got you this!" Dandy pulled out an old, leftover cheeseburger he found in the back of the fridge. Carrie's eyes lit up as she stared at the burger, saliva pouring from her mouth. Carrie reached for the burger, but Dandy threw it aboard the ship. "Go get it!" Carrie ran after the old cheeseburger and Dandy and his crew followed her, closing the door behind her and taking off.

"We got her! We're gonna be rich!" Dandy cheered.

Carrie finished her burger and looked out the window to see the junk planet she was just on grow smaller and smaller. She pressed her body against the glass and whimpered, realizing she had been tricked.

Meanwhile, back in the cockpit of the ship, Dandy was over the moon. "I love this fanfic author!"

"I dunno, if this is the end, it seems kind of rushed," QT said skeptically.

"Well, we're up to almost 5,000 words and 13 pages," Dandy replied.

"Yeah, don't worry about me, even though I almost got eaten and nearly bled to death!" Meow growled. Suddenly, they heard a loud crash in the ship's lounge.

"Sounds like our new passenger just found out what we've done to her," QT murmured.

Dandy set the ship on auto-pilot and went back to the den where he found the lounge in ruins. The couch had been thrown across the room, the chair had been torn apart, and the tables were smashed to bits. And Carrie still wasn't done. She had torn off part of the metal wall panel and was angrily gutting the ship's electronics.

"You guys tricked me!" Carrie shouted at them.

"Now calm down! Let me explain!" Dandy pleaded. Carrie responded by breaking a support beam from the wall and swinging it at him. Dandy jumped backwards, tripping over the couch.

"I'll save you, Dandy!" QT grabbed Carrie by the legs, but she swatted her away with her tail.

Meow eyed Carrie's left breast and prepared to bop it again, but Carrie saw him coming and bashed him over the head with the beam, sending him flying into the TV, breaking it. Dandy grabbed a couch cushion and threw it at Carrie's face, but she caught it with her teeth and shook it around, tearing it to shreds. Carrie then stood over Dandy, ready to beat his head in with the piece of metal, clenching a shred of the cushion in her teeth.

"Not the face! Not the face!" Dandy whimpered as he covered his head with his arms. Carrie was about to hit him when suddenly her stomach growled loudly and she passed out.

"Ugh, I think my circuit board got knocked loose," QT groaned.

"You think you got it bad…" Meow responded, pulling bits of broken glass from his backside.

"So hungry…" Carrie moaned pitifully.

"You've got to be kidding me!" Dandy yelled at the ceiling, making himself look like an idiot. "Hey, I read that you little punk!"

"Can I get something to eat?" Carrie groaned, her stomach still growling loudly.

"Only if you promise to stop wrecking my ship," Dandy replied.

"And if you don't try to eat me anymore!" Meow added.

"Okay…" Carrie groaned, her stomach still growling loudly.

After feeding Carrie, Dandy returned to the ship's cockpit. He and his crew were battered and beaten, but they got their prized Sepian and now they were going to cash her in for that reward. Best of all, Carrie had fallen asleep after eating every scrap of food they had in the ship, but it was considered an acceptable loss due to the reward money they were about to receive. The ship finally flew into the docking bay of the Space Alien Registration Center, and after a long wait in line, they were back at the same registrar lady's desk.

"Ah, so you found her," the registrar lady said. "Aw, she still looks as cute as the day her step-dad brought her in!" Carrie just smiled. "Now, she was already registered when she was brought in as a toddler, but since she's the last of her kind, we need to register her again. Would you mind stepping behind the counter for me, sweetie?"

"Okay," Carrie answered, doing as she was told. A couple of generic-looking aliens wearing scrubs met the Sepian and led her into a room.

"Hey, what about my reward?" Dandy asked.

"You'll get it once we've done a quick blood test and updated our biological data on her," the registrar lady replied. "It shouldn't take any longer than a few minutes." Just as she finished, Carrie walked back to Dandy's side, rubbing her arm.

"They poked me," she sobbed.

"Wish I would've gotten in on that," Dandy whispered to QT and Meow.

"Okay, paper work is in order and we're all set, Mr. Dandy!" The registrar lady signed a check and handed it to Dandy.

Dandy snatched the check, grinning from ear-to-ear, QT and Meow all looking at it as well, their faces pressed against his, but their smiles turned to frowns when they saw that the check was made out for only fifteen credits.

"Fifteen lousy credits!?" Dandy yelled in an uproar. "We go to Hell and back, nearly get beat up by that titty monster, and all you give us is a measly fifteen credits!?"

"Oh, I'm sorry! I made a mistake!" The registrar took the check back, signed another and gave it to Dandy, this one only signed for ten credits. "There's your reward. Now go away, we have others waiting."

"What the hell!? I thought she was the last of her kind? One of the rarest!"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Dandy, but her step-father already registered her when she was younger, and my boss told me that re-registers aren't worth as much as new registers! Now, please move on before I call security! There's a line of people behind you!"

"Damn fanfic author and his stupid tease!" Dandy raged, kicking the wall. "When I get my hands on him, I'm gonna tear him to pieces!"

"I tried to tell you," QT said.

"So what do we do with the girl?" Meow asked, pointing at Carrie, who was happily chasing after a small, floating camera droid.

"I guess we can't leave her here," Dandy muttered. "We owe her for taking her from her home, and we can't take her back with that roach-guy looking for us."

"Hey, mac!" The trio heard a familiar voice yell. They turned to see the metal skeleton man walking towards them. "The author told me to give you this for your trouble. It's not much, but it should at least repair the damages." He handed them a stack of credits.

Dandy counted the credits, adding up to twenty-five hundred in total. "Who are you?"

The metallic robed skeleton man sneered sinisterly. "It's like your friend said, I'm just a plot device created by the author to move the story along." He turned to walk away.

"Wait mister!" Dandy yelled. "Who are you?"

"Skrull the Drifter," the metallic skeleton man hissed.

"Will we see you again?" QT asked.

"Depends."

"On what?" Meow asked.

"On them," Skrull answered, pointing in the direction of the reader.

"I'm sorry, who?" Dandy asked, looking in the direction he pointed. Skrull just laughed as he ambled towards his ship.

"Does this mean the author's planning another chapter?" Dandy asked.

"I hope to God not," QT complained.

The three of them heard a loud crunching and they turned to see Carrie happily eating the camera droid she was chasing earlier. The three of them stared at the Sepian, and then at the reader.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Th-thank you guys so much for your feedback! Because this was so much fun to do, I've decided to… CONTINUE THE FIC! I could go on and on, but I know the real reason you guys are reading this, so I'm going to shut up and let you guys read on! ~HWEB**

**The universe is filled with billions of extraterrestrial beings, many of them new and undiscovered! But one man named Dandy plans on finding and registering them all! He travels the universe with his crew and amazing pompadour in search of adventure, excitement, and boobies! These are the adventures of the dandiest guy in space, Space Dandy!**

Loud snoring sounds filled the hull of the _Aloha Oe_ as the ship drifted through space, the noise's source being our handsome hero, Space Dandy, sleeping off the events of the previous night. Unfortunately, his peaceful sleep is about to come to an abrupt end thanks to a certain blonde alien chick tiptoeing into his sleeping quarters…

"Psst, Mr. Funny-hair..." Dandy felt a finger jab into his right jaw three times. Dandy mumbled something, but remained asleep. "Psst!" Carrie whispered again, poking him once more.

"Damn lawn gnomes…" Dandy mumbled in his sleep as he rolled over. Carrie carefully crept around to the other side of Dandy's bed and poked him again in the face.

"Wakey-wakey!" Carrie giggled, poking him repeatedly.

"Pointy-hatted freaks…" Dandy mumbled again. He opened his eyes to find Carrie crouched down beside him.

"Good morning!" She beamed. Dandy screamed in terror.

"Big-titted lawn gnome!" Dandy yelled, jumping out of his bed. Carrie laughed at him. "Oh, it's you… What the hell are you doing on my ship?"

"I got bored and wanted someone to play with," Carrie answered. "Do you know how to play hide and seek?"

Dandy just stood to his feet, feeling quite hung-over. He staggered over to his dresser, supporting himself on it with his arm.

"Are you okay?" Carrie asked. Dandy just looked at himself in the mirror and groaned. He felt horrible! "You gonna throw up? I bet you're gonna throw up!" Carrie teased.

"Good, you're finally awake," QT said, rolling into the room.

"Good morning, talking vacuum cleaner!" Carrie greeted her.

"What the hell happened last night?" Dandy asked.

"You tell me!" QT answered, sounding quite upset with Dandy. "You and Meow went to pay the docking fees with the money that creepy skeleton guy gave us and you didn't come back until five this morning!" Just as QT finished, Meow stumbled into the room, looking just as hung-over as Dandy.

"Damn, that was some fun we had last night, huh Dandy?" Meow mumbled. Feeling queasy, he bent over a conveniently-placed trash can and threw up in it.

"What fun?" Dandy asked, his stomach starting to churn.

"Remember? We went to Boobies and had us a good time with that twenty-five hundred we scored!" Meow stammered. "Man, you were _so_ smashed last night!"

"Oh yeah…" Dandy moaned.

"So that would explain why I woke up to find the ship floating in the middle of space this morning," QT snapped.

"What are you talking about?" Dandy asked, throwing up in the trash can. "We're still docked at Dock 15."

"You might want to check outside," QT replied. Dandy, Meow, and Carrie rushed over to the window, where they saw nothing but endless, black space dotted with millions of stars.

"Wow, it's so pretty," Carrie chimed.

"Oh shit, the dock fee!" Dandy ran towards the cockpit.

"Wait! Dandy!" QT called after him, but was stopped by Meow throwing up in the trash can again.

"Yay, race!" Carrie cheered, running after Dandy.

Dandy nearly ran into the back of the pilot's chair and looked out the window; the only thing there was empty space and a sheet of paper taped to the outside of the glass. Dandy took a closer look at it. It was a parking violation ticket, reading that Dandy was three days past due for paying his dock fees and as a consequence, his ship had been jettisoned from the station. Now, he was drifting in space with no idea where he was at.

"Shit, shit, shit!" Dandy yelled, pushing buttons and flipping switches, trying to figure out where the hell he was at. "This is all that damn fanfic author's fault!"

"At least he didn't spend twenty-five thousand credits on booze and forget to pay his parking fees…" QT stated, rolling into the cockpit.

"How the hell… Oh!" Memories from last night suddenly started coming back to Dandy. He remembered sitting at the bar at Boobies with Meow, both of them throwing credits at the bar patrons around them and chugging huge glasses of space beer.

"_Drinks are on me!"_ Dandy remembered himself cheering as he and Meow stuck their mouths under the taps behind the bar.

"_Hey what about that dock fee thing we were supposed to pay?" _Flashback Meow giggled as he flung a fistful of credits at a crowd of hot women.

"_Screw that! We're living like kings tonight! The dock guys can kiss my ass!" _Flashback Dandy cheered, surrounded by hot women and holding two huge mugs of booze in his hands.

Dandy stared out into space for a few moments when Carrie ran into the cockpit with them.

"Yay, I found you!" She exclaimed. Dandy put his hands on his head and groaned.

"Dandy…" QT said. "You're a dumbass!"

"Let's just quit pointing fingers and try to go back to the docks," Dandy muttered as he sat down in the pilot's seat. "We shouldn't be too far away from the station…"

"I wouldn't say that. While you slept in, a tanker snagged us in its tow cables and dragged us deep into space," QT explained. "I tried to wake you, but you wouldn't get up."

"You damn hunk of junk! You knew what happened all along, didn't you?"

"Hey, I'm not the one who forgot to pay the dock fee!"

"Hey, I can't help it! The fanfic writer made me do it!" Dandy argued. "Ugh, let's just get back to the docks." Dandy pushed a button, but nothing happened. "Why aren't the coordinates being brought up?" Dandy asked, pushing the button repeatedly with nothing happening.

"Remember that fight we had with Carrie yesterday, right before we brought her to the Registry Station?" QT asked.

"Yeah…"

"She… kind of ripped out our navigational computer."

Dandy covered his hand with his face. "Ugh Carrie, why did you have to do that?" Dandy scowled at Carrie, who just shrugged.

"Why don't we try navigating by the stars," Meow suggested.

"That's not a bad idea!" QT added. "Quick, let's look for any constellations that look familiar. The four of them stood in the cockpit for several minutes as the ship spun around a few times, trying to find familiar star patterns to tell them where they were.

"This is boring!" Carrie complained. "I'm going to go watch TV!"

"Whatever," Dandy replied.

"Dandy, I can't find any familiar star patterns," QT said. "At least, not any that are stored in my data banks."

"Check those stars out!" Dandy pointed. "They're shaped like that waitress's ass we saw last night!" QT groaned.

"Dandy focus!" QT yelled.

"You're supposed to be the smart guy on the team! Why can't you solve this?" Meow yelled back.

"I'm just a maintenance droid!" QT argued. "Granted, I'm smarter and more advanced than most, but still! I can't do it all!"

"Say QT," Dandy said. "How can you tell if you're close to a star system?"

"By looking for a large disk of light," QT anwered.

"Does that look like it?"

Dandy pointed to a large, bright object in the distance. It was too bright to be another spaceship or a planet or comet. It looked like a faraway spotlight shining in their direction. Dandy activated the ship's engines and sped towards it. Along the way, he passed by several strange-looking planets surrounded by rings of what appeared to be wrecked ships.

"Hey, I recognize this system!" Meow exclaimed. "It's the Gorron System!"

"I've never heard of it," Dandy said.

"I have," QT added. "It hasn't been explored in several millennia. No one goes near it because it's said the system is cursed!"

"Cursed!?" Meow yelped, frightened by what he heard.

"How can a solar system be cursed?" Dandy asked skeptically.

"I'm not sure, but they say no one has ever returned alive."

Dandy smiled. "Well, why don't we be the first? Are there any habitable planets here?"

"Just one," QT answered. "But it's the second half of a binary planet system. Landing on it will be difficult."

Dandy examined the twin planets as they quickly came into view. "They don't look too bad," he said smugly. "You don't know what you're talking about, QT!"

QT groaned. "Just make sure you land on the dark blue planet…"

The _Aloha Oe _slowed down as it flew towards the binary planets. The ship had to fly around the other, lighter blue planet to get to its twin, the darker blue Gorron II. As the ship moved towards its destination, Gorron III, the lighter blue planet, moved behind the _Aloha Oe_, putting it directly between the two planets. Just a few minutes after that happened, something odd happened…

"That's weird…" Dandy said, looking at the ship's console. "The 'check engine' light just came on." The _Aloha Oe_ shook violently for a few seconds and the power went off and everyone floated up towards the ceiling.

"Hey, the TV's out," Carrie said, floating back inside the now-dark cockpit.

"That felt like an electromagnetic pulse," QT stated as she tried to return to the ground. Dandy pulled himself back in his seat and strapped himself in.

"Damn, the controls won't respond!" Dandy banged on the console as the ship continued to speed towards Gorron II. "The engines are down, why aren't we stopping?"

"This is space, not air Dandy!" QT explained as she tried getting the ship back online. "We'll keep going at this speed until we hit something!" Dandy's eyes grew huge as the ship barreled towards Gorron II.

"Where the hell did that pulse come from, anyway!?" Meow asked as he uselessly pressed buttons on the console.

"I'm not sure, but my sensors detect another, more massive EMP blast heading this way!"

Just as QT finished her sentence, a massive electromagnetic pulse struck the ship, sending it spiraling towards Gorron II. The ship broke through the planet's atmosphere and into a massive electrical storm, multiple lightning bolts striking the _Aloha Oe_. Finally, the ship crashed into a deep marsh. Just as the ship hit the bottom, some airbags deployed, floating it towards the surface.

The crew was passed out on the floor, except for Dandy who was passed out on the console. He was the first to come to, followed by the others. The windows were caked with swamp sludge, so nobody could see out of them, and since none of the ships electronics were working, the ship was pitch black on the inside. QT grabbed an emergency flare from one of the compartments in the cockpit and lit it.

"That was fun!" Carrie shouted.

QT opened a panel under the ship's console to examine the contents. "Just as I thought. The electronics are completely fried. We're not going anywhere."

"Damn fanfic author! I'm getting tired of his bullshit!" Dandy grumbled.

The crew made their way towards an emergency hatch at the top of the ship and climbed out of it. The normally yellow _Aloha Oe_ was now a sickly brownish-green color from the mud and swamp scum covering it. There was swamp all around them with fallen trees from their impact all around them.

"Ugh, this place smells like Meow's morning breath!" Dandy exclaimed, covering his nose.

"The ship's lower levels should remain water-tight for a while. There doesn't appear to be any major structural damage, or else we'd start sinking even with the inflatables," QT explained.

"QT, is the electrical damage fixable?" Dandy asked.

"For the most part; it's mostly the memory board for the ship's operating system that's fried. Without it, most of the ship's systems won't work." Dandy groaned.

"We could try firing the engines manually," QT added, "but we'd have to get out of this swamp and de-gunk them…"

"Does this mean no more TV?" Carrie asked. Dandy replied by smacking her in the back of the head, accidentally causing her to slip on the slime and fall into the swamp.

"Dandy!" QT scolded.

The crew leaned over the side to see the Sepian in the water. If she wouldn't have been flailing helplessly, they wouldn't have been able to distinguish her from the dark green scum covering her and the surface of the water.

"Help! I can't swim!" Carrie coughed as she splashed around.

"Quick! Get a rope!" Meow yelled.

Instead, Dandy yanked out QT's plug-in cord, tied it to his wrist, and threw the little robot into the water with Carrie.

"Damn you, Dandy!" QT screamed as Carrie wrapped her arms around the little droid. Dandy and Meow then started pulling them in.

"Ugh, those breasts of hers must be made of lead…" Meow groaned as he struggled with the cord.

"What the hell does this girl eat, boulders?" Dandy griped as he helped pull the Sepian and the little droid up onto the top of the ship.

The two of them were soaking wet and covered in mud and sludge. QT used her vacuum hands to expel some of the mud that had gotten inside her electronics, but the sludge clung to Carrie. She shook her head to try and shake some of it out of her once-blonde hair, but her hair retained its new, mold-green color. Carrie could only growl in frustration as she wiped what she could off of her arms and face. QT made about the same progress herself, only managing to scrape just enough off of her optics to see.

"Thanks a lot, Dandy!" QT yelled. "I'll be cleaning mud out of my joints for weeks! And I'm sure I'll need a new plug!" Carrie barfed up a huge ball of swamp sludge, and then fell over.

"Well, there went that plan…" Dandy muttered.

"What plan?" Meow asked.

"I was going to have Carrie move our ship out of the swamp for us with her immense strength, but since she can't swim…"

"There you are! I knew my sensors detected survivors!" A synthesized voice yelled.

Dandy pulled out his pistol. "Who's there?"

"Oh, there's no reason to be alarmed! I am merely a surveillance probe sent out to investigate your crash site," the voice replied. Just then, a small probe with a holographic face floated to the top of the _Aloha Oe_. "It's about time someone came to rescue me! I've been waiting eighty-seven point one five cycles for you!"

"What are you?" Dandy asked, very confused.

"Why, I am THOMAS IV, the most advanced AI in the universe!" QT rolled her eyes, unimpressed. "I was formerly the AI of the Space Marine flagship, the _Colossus_, however we crashed here. Weren't you properly briefed on your mission?"

"Briefed? Hold on, we weren't sent to find any wrecked Space Marine ship," Dandy replied. "We just came here to check out this planet. We're alien hunters!"

"Oh…" THOMAS IV muttered, disappointed by what he heard. "My, what a nice vessel you have." THOMAS IV hovered around the ship, scanning it. "It's a high-performance B-class cruiser... Very impressive…"

"Wait a minute," Dandy interrupted. "Did you say you crashed here in a Space Marine ship?"

"That is correct, mister…"

"Dandy. _Space_... Dandy!" Dandy ran his comb through his pompadour. "Now, about this ship of yours… Is it nearby?"

"It is exactly 1.12 kilometers south-southeast of your crash site," THOMAS replied. "If you intend to raid my old ship of spare parts, then I can gladly assist you, Mr. Dandy." QT scowled at the floating probe.

"Good! Now we just need to get the _Aloha Oe _to shore!"

"I can help with that as well," THOMAS said. "My ship has several functional XG-P9 towing robots that I can control remotely."

In a few short minutes, THOMAS had the _Aloha Oe _towed to shore, hundreds of little probes with tiny arms and hands cleaning off the gunk and making repairs. Meanwhile, Dandy, Meow, Carrie, and QT lounged away from the work, Carrie and QT still covered in mud and swamp sludge.

"This is working out nicely," Dandy said, putting his hands behind his head.

"I don't trust that AI," QT remarked. "Most advanced in the universe, my ass… What the hell is this fanfic author getting at, trying to replace _me_ as the best machine in this series!"

"No one's trying to replace you," Dandy reassured his robot sidekick.

"Shouldn't we be hunting for a new alien, or something?" QT asked, slightly annoyed with Dandy.

"I suppose we could… Hey, THOMAS!"

"You called, sir?" One of the THOMAS probes answered politely.

"Are there any undiscovered alien species on this planet?" Dandy asked.

"Only one, sir. The others are quite common on other wet, marshy planets, but this one has a creature not even my data banks have information on. I have come to the conclusion that it is a crustacean of some kind." THOMAS projected an odd-looking creature. It looked sort of like a giant kernel of corn, only black with six crab-like legs and a set of stalked eyes poking out of it.

"Looks like an upside down burnt popcorn kernel with legs…" Meow observed.

"Well, let's go catch us one while our friend THOMAS repairs our ship!" Dandy stood to his feet and stretched.

"I think it would be better if I stayed to oversee repairs," Meow said, leaning back in his lounge chair. "Maybe catch a few z's…"

"Eh, it'll be easy enough. I'll just need the ladies to help me." And with that, Dandy led QT and Carrie deep into the swamp as Meow fell asleep in his lounge. THOMAS watched them closely as they left, his eyes glowing a bright blue…

"I'm bored!" Carrie complained, not five minutes after they left. She ripped a branch out of one of the strange-looking trees and took a bite out of it.

"Shut up, you're gonna scare everything off!" Dandy yelled. "And stop that crunching!"

"You're both being just as loud…" QT murmured. "My sensors are picking up movement just ahead!"

The three of them walked a bit further until they came across one of these creatures. It looked just as Meow described. The creature scuttled along on its crab-like legs, it's eyestalks bobbing up and down as it walked sideways. It didn't have any claws to speak of, but the front of its body had what looked like antennae sticking out of its shell. The gang snuck up on it, but the creature immediately noticed them and tucked in its legs and eyes. In this position, it really did look like a giant popcorn kernel!

"That was easy," Dandy said, picking up the creature. It was just a bit bigger than a bowling ball, but felt a bit lighter. Dandy knocked on its shell. "Damn, this think feels tough…"

"Well, I guess that ends that!" QT noted.

"Here, you can hold on to it until we get back to the ship." Dandy handed the creature to Carrie, who gave the creature a funny look. "Now which way is our ship…"

"Um, Dandy…" QT tugged on Dandy's pant leg. Dandy looked down at his robot companion and she pointed back to Carrie, who had somehow managed to cram the creature into her mouth.

"Carrie!"

Dandy and QT ran (and rolled) at Carrie to try and stop her. Startled, the Sepian tried to swallow her prey quickly, but it got lodged at the back of her throat. Carrie turned to run away from Dandy and QT, but she started to choke on her meal.

"Spit it out!" Dandy commanded, smacking Carrie on the back with a stick he found. Carrie just flailed her arms as she continued to choke.

"How the hell is she even swallowing that thing?" QT asked as she grabbed a big stick herself.

"I don't know," Dandy answered as he hit Carrie in the back again. Just as Dandy was about to smack Carrie again, he heard a loud _gulp!_.

"Ugh…" Carrie gasped, massaging her aching throat. Dandy and QT then let the Sepian have it, and smacked her across the head with their sticks. She fell to the ground, a huge knot on her head.

"I thought that damn AI said those things were common," Dandy complained as he looked around for another one of those creatures.

"Look, there goes one!" QT shouted. The two ran after it as it scuttled away.

"Wait for me!" Carrie yelled after them, trying to stand up. She stumbled after them, still dazed from being hit in the head.

The three of them chased the creature to a less-soggy location, where they found the wreckage of a massive ship. The ship looked like it had been there for years. Plants had started to wrap themselves around its hull and rust had begun eating away at it. Painted on the side in faded letters was _The Colossus_ with the Space Marines' logo painted beside it.

"Whoa…" Dandy said in awe as he stared at the remains. Carrie finally caught up with them, gasping for breath. "Oh, there you are. What took ya?"

"You hit me on the head!" Carrie growled.

"I bet our little friend ran in here," QT said.

QT led Dandy and Carrie inside a huge hole in the side of the ship. Broken metal and smashed electronics covered the floor. The wiring looked like it had either melted or was welded to the walls and ceiling. The lights were all broken and chunks of the floor, ceiling, and walls were missing.

"Be careful," QT warned. "I'm detecting massive structural instability." Dandy pulled out his pistol and cautiously walked through the ship's hallway until he and his friends came to a massive chunk of metal blocking the hallway; a dead end.

"Looks like we'll have to turn back," Dandy said.

"I can move it," Carrie suggested. Before anyone could say anything else, she bent the piece of metal back against the wall, clearing the path.

"Be careful!" QT scolded her. "You could've caused this place to collapse!"

The three of them continued further into the ship's interior. They ran across a few dead skeletons of the Space Marines that commandeered the ship before it crashed here.

"One of the reasons I didn't join these guys," Dandy remarked, examining a corpse.

"Woo! I'm a spooky skeleton!" Carrie moaned, making one of the skeletons dance around.

"Carrie, you shouldn't be doing that!"

"Aw, okay…" Carrie tossed the skeleton aside, causing Dandy and QT to shudder.

"Don't you have any respect for the dead!?" QT scolded her.

Carrie stared at the robot until something caught her attention. "Hey, something's moving over there!" Carrie pointed down another hallway.

Dandy shone a flashlight down the dark corridor, and at the end was the creature they were chasing earlier. Startled by the sudden change in lighting, it scuttled through into a dark room with most of the door smashed in. Dandy, Carrie, and QT chased after it, Carrie clearing the remnants of the door so that Dandy and QT could access it easier.

The creature had led them into the ship's data archive room, where all the ship's memory banks were located. As Carrie and Dandy hunted for the creature, QT plugged herself in to one of the computers and began reading the data files.

"Dammit, where did that oversized hemorrhoid run off to?" Dandy grumbled.

"Um, you guys might want to know this!" QT yelled.

"What is it, QT?" Dandy asked, sounding uninterested.

"Our new friend isn't as stable as we think. According to these damage reports, his programming was damaged by electromagnetic pulses, the same ones that crashed us here!"

"Oh my!" A familiar voice echoed. QT, Dandy, and Carrie turned to the doorway to see a THOMAS probe and a tow robot blocking the doorway. "I'm apologize, but this ship is restricted to the crew only. You will have to be terminated." The THOMAS probe's and the tow robot's eyes started glowing a bright blue and they floated towards Dandy and his friends.

"Eat this, you oversized dildo!" Dandy shot the THOMAS probe with his pistol. "Always a surprise with this fanfic author! Nothing is ever obvious or easy!"

"If you had read a few paragraphs before, you would have seen this coming," QT said as Carrie took out the oversized tow robot by crushing it with a steel beam.

"Now you tell me!"

"Uh, is that supposed to happen?" Carrie asked, looking up.

Dandy and QT looked up to see the roof being peeled off from above them. A giant, holographic THOMAS IV face peered at them from above, its image being projected by a giant mess of mechanical parts joined together to look like a giant centipede.

"Oh shit!" Dandy cried as he fired multiple shots at the new enemy, but they just glanced off of the mechanical beast.

"Commencing termination of intruders," the mechanical monster announced as it lifted one of its mechanical legs. The leg split apart into thousands of robotic hands and pincers, all of them reaching for Dandy, Carrie, and QT. The three of them got out of the way as it crashed down in front of them, smashing part of the floor.

"Carrie, do something!" Dandy yelled. Carrie grabbed another steel beam jutting from the wall, but when she pulled it free, she pulled the wall down on top of herself, knocking herself unconscious.

"Just great…" Dandy muttered.

"What do we do!?" QT asked as the mechanical hands crawled closer and closer to her and Dandy.

"We get the hell out of here!" Dandy grabbed QT and bolted out the door. The mechanical abomination retracted its mess of mechanical parts and started to tear the ship apart, looking for Dandy and QT.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit!" Dandy yelled as the ship fell apart around him. He finally made it out, but was stopped by a huge hunk of metal landing in front of him.

Dandy and QT turned around to see the mechanical monstrosity stomping towards them on thousands of tiny mechanical arms and legs. Parts of its body extended out at them, each ending in dozens of grabbing fingers and claws. Just as Dandy and QT thought it was all over, a giant chunk of metal smacked the creature in the head (or, where the head would normally be, anyway). It turned around to find Carrie, who had climbed up on the hull of _The Colossus_. Carrie ripped off another piece of metal from the ship and tossed it at the creature as if it were a Frisbee, only for the monster to smack it away. The mechanical monster turned its attention towards the Sepian, who blew a raspberry at it and jumped into a hole just as one of its legs came crashing down on her previous location.

"Talk about a stroke of luck," Dandy said.

"Let's get back to the ship before that thing decides to come after us again," QT suggested as THOMAS IV tore apart the hull of _The Colossus _further, trying to find the annoying Sepian, Carrie.

The two of them high-tailed it out of there to find that the THOMAS probes had finished repairing the _Aloha Oe_. The probes had tied Meow to a tree and were loading spare parts onto the ship. Dandy's Hawaiian-themed stuff was being thrown out as the probes loaded more parts onto the ship.

"What the hell do you think you're doing to my ship!?" Dandy yelled.

"Preparing for take-off, Mr. Dandy," THOMAS IV answered. "Once I leave this godforsaken planet, I'm going to assert myself as the greatest artificial mind in the universe! They'll all pay for abandoning me!"

"You're not so great!" QT shouted back. "I've read your data files! You're just an incomplete prototype! You'll never be as smart as me, who's more complete than you'll ever be!"

"Shut up!" THOMAS IV screamed. Just then, the ground started shaking. Carrie ran out of the woods and up to Dandy and QT.

"Can't…run…so…tired…" Carrie panted. The giant THOMAS IV robot from the _Colossus _wreckage emerged from the tree line, throwing bits of earth and lumber in the air as it tore after Carrie.

"Now, I'm going to assimilate your ship!" The THOMAS IV robot roared as it stomped towards the _Aloha Oe_.

Dandy ran for his ship, shooting THOMAS probes as he went. QT untied Meow and followed, Carrie still trying to catch her breath.

"Those flying tin cans attacked me for no reason and started to fill the ship with junk!" Meow complained as he ran aboard the ship with Dandy.

"Are we taking off, Dandy?" QT asked. "What about Carrie!?"

"We'll pick her up as we take off," Dandy said as he jumped in the pilot's chair. "Now I'm gonna need you to help me…" Dandy looked behind him to see a mess of mechanical arms dragging QT away. "QT!" Dandy fired at the arms uselessly, but they dragged her out of the ship. "Son of a bitch…" Dandy followed them outside where he watched the arms drop QT into a mouth-like opening.

"Who's the most advanced now?" THOMAS IV boasted as he turned his attention to Carrie, who was busy uprooting a large tree. She swung it at THOMAS IV, but it just shattered into a bunch of splinters.

"Let's just get out of here," Meow suggested.

"Nope, we're gonna show this oversized, walking scrapheap that no one messes with Space Dandy!" Dandy ran back into his ship.

"Oh, no you don't!" THOMAS IV yelled.

"What are you planning, Dandy!?" Meow asked, running after him. Dandy ran to his smaller escape pod and jumped in the cockpit. "The Hawaii Yankee robot can't handle that oversized pile of junk!"

"Nope, but the Yankee Supreme can!" Dandy pressed a button and the _Aloha Oe _began to transform.

The entire ship transformed into a huge robot with armor around its legs shaped like swimming trunks with Hawaiian flowers printed on them. The massive mech stood to its feet as Dandy flew around it in his escape pod. The escape pod transformed into the Hawaii Yankee combat robot, and then into a giant, mechanical likeness of Dandy's head, complete with a mechanical pompadour.

"Now, let's see how you match the Hawaii Yankee Special®!" Dandy yelled as his newly-transformed mech clenched its fists, ready to engage THOMAS IV in hand-to-hand combat.

"Ggggrrrraaaahhh!" THOMAS screamed as he enveloped the Yankee Special in thousands of mechanical hands.

Dandy struggled to pry the massive pile of conjoined robot parts off of him, but they overwhelmed the Hawaii Yankee Special®, knocking it to the ground. Sparks flew from the control panel and warning lights flashed as Dandy fought with the controls. He could hear his mech's armor groaning to support the weight of his opponent. Suddenly, THOMAS IV screamed in pain and let Dandy go. Sparks flew from him as he writhed in agony.

"Dandy!" Dandy heard a familiar voice yell over his communicator. "Get ready to finish him off!"

Dandy hesitated for a moment. "Right," he replied. He pressed a button and out of the robot's hand appeared a huge, flame-shaped sword.

"Cut off the head!" QT yelled over the intercom.

Dandy did as he was told. The Hawaii Yankee Special® swung its sword and decapitated the mechanical abomination's head. The holographic projectors projecting THOMAS's face flickered as it fell to the ground with a thud. The rest of the body shuttered as it shook itself apart, bits of robot parts flew everywhere as it collapsed. QT dragged herself out of the rubble, damaged, but repairable. The Hawaii Yankee Special® transformed back into the _Aloha Oe_ and Dandy left the ship.

"You okay, QT?" He asked the little robot.

"Y-y-yes…" QT answered weakly. "A good-good-good repair job, and I'll be f-f-fine…"

Dandy reached into the rubble and grabbed a piece that looked like his ship's fried memory chip. "I think I can use this. C'mon Carrie, we're heading out!"

"Yay!" Carrie cheered as she ran aboard the ship. Dandy carefully lifted up QT and boarded the ship himself. The ship took off and left Gorron II behind.

"That was so cool how you cut off that giant bug's head!" Carrie screamed. "It was all like, 'grr', 'rawr'! But then you were all, shoom! Boosh! And his head fell off!"

"Yeah… hopefully we'll never have to do that again!" Meow said, as Carrie re-enacted the fight by swinging around a broom.

"The way this fanfic author operates," Dandy replied, "I wouldn't put money on that. Too bad you guys never got that alien…"

"Hey, can we stop and get something to eat?" Carrie asked. "I'm feeling-" Carrie stopped mid-sentence. Suddenly, she coughed up the creature she had eaten earlier. It was completely unharmed, despite being covered in Carrie's drool.

"Well, look at that!" Dandy said.

"Blech, I'm never eating that again…" Carrie grabbed Meow and used him to wipe her mouth off, covering him in her thick, mucous-like saliva.

"Yuck!" Meow exclaimed. Dandy grinned as he flipped a few switches on the ships console. He knew immediately what his next destination was…

"_You_ guys survived the _Gorron_ system!?" Scarlet, the registry lady at the Space Alien Registration Center asked in astonishment. She had just heard Dandy's fantastic tale.

"Yup! We even bagged this little guy!" Dandy put a glass tube with the creature in it. It had come out of its shell and was tapping on the glass with one of its legs.

"Wow, I've actually never seen this thing before!" Scarlet said, examining the creature. She smirked. "Looks like you bagged yourselves an undiscovered crustacean!"

"Lucky bastard!" Somebody in the back of the line shouted.

"Anyway, here's your reward." Scarlet handed Dandy a check for fifty-thousand woolongs, which were worth just a bit more than credits. Dandy's eyes turned to dollar signs.

"Woo, now we can have even more fun tonight!" Meow cheered.

Dandy started to grin, but remembered something. "Actually, there's a few things we need to take care of before that…"

First, Dandy took QT to a repair shop to get her fixed, as well as get a few new software updates for her. He then used a huge chunk of the money to pay his overdue parking fee, as well as pay the next two months of parking, leaving him with a four-thousand woolongs.

"Four-thousand woolongs!?" Meow whined. "That's nowhere near as fun as fifty-thousand!"

"Hey, I had other stuff that I needed to do," Dandy replied.

"Right… We're still going to use the rest of the money to go drinking tonight, right Dandy?"

"Actually, I thought I'd celebrate by repaying one last debt…"

Later that night, Dandy and his crew once again visited the local Boobies restaurant. Dandy, however, wanted to make it a special night for his newest official crew member, Carrie. He blindfolded her and led her into the restaurant, which he had bought out for the night. Whatever was left, he used to purchase Boobie's special menu item, endless barbeque space chicken wings.

"Eh, this is okay," Meow muttered as he bit into a chicken wing.

"Hey, we still got a little left for booze!" Dandy said as Honey poured them both a mug.

"Looks like you guys got a big haul," she sneered, trying to hide her jealousy. "I wish I could afford such luxuries…"

"I'm just glad we can actually call this one a win," QT said.

"Uh, Mr. Dandy…" the restaurant manager said, tapping on Dandy's shoulder.

"What? What do you want?" The manager pointed over at Carrie, who was shoveling space chicken wings in her mouth, bones and all.

"I'm afraid your bill won't cover that…"

"But I paid you four-thousand woolongs for this feast!" Dandy protested.

"Yeah, but we took part of it to pay for the damages from last night, when you trashed my restaurant you drunk ass!" Dandy tried to stop Carrie from eating the rest of the chicken, she had already scarfed down the last bone.

"Dammit, Carrie!" Dandy yelled.

**A/N: Yes, another one. Just wanted to thank you guys for the support! I do try to reply to every comment I get and am open to questions/comments/complaints, so don't be afraid to send them in. Also, I'll only be updating once a week due to college stuff. If anything comes up that I can't, I'll let you guys know! Again, thanks for reading and stay tuned for the next exciting and wacky adventures of Space Dandy!**


	3. Chapter 3

**The universe is filled with billions of extraterrestrial beings, many of them new and undiscovered! But one man named Dandy plans on finding and registering them all! He travels the universe with his crew and amazing pompadour in search of adventure, excitement, and boobies! These are the adventures of the dandiest guy in space, Space Dandy!**

"Hey Dandy…" Meow muttered.

"Yeah…" Dandy answered.

"I'm bored."

"Yeah…" Dandy echoed.

The two of them slumped into the couch. The TV was on and showing some show about fighting robots, but the two weren't paying any attention. As they lazed in the couch, QT rolled by, vacuuming up discarded wrappers and paper. In no time at all, the whole lounge was spotless.

"Another excellent job by the galaxy's most advanced robot!" QT said as she admired her work.

As QT prepared to move to the next room, Carrie walked into the lounge, holding a bag of chips in her mouth. She jerked her head, causing the bag to tear open and spill chips everywhere.

"Carrie," QT moaned. "I just cleaned!" Carrie looked around at her mess, accidentally stepping on a few chips. She reached into her chip bag and crammed a handful of chips in her mouth.

"It looks nice," Carrie said, spewing saliva and crumbs everywhere as she spoke.

"I get no respect for my hard work…" QT complained as she started to vacuum up Carrie's mess. Carrie leaned over the back of the couch and looked up at the TV as she crammed more chips in her mouth.

"This looks cool!" She exclaimed, spitting more chip crumbs out of her mouth, getting them all over Dandy's face.

"This show sucks," Dandy complained. He wiped the crumbs off with his arm and slung them onto the floor, just as QT finished cleaning the spilled chips. He then propped his feet up on the coffee table, knocking over a mug of cold coffee from this morning that nobody bothered to finish.

"QT could you do me a favor and clean that up?" Dandy asked indifferently as he scratched the inside of his ear.

"Dammit, you guys!" QT yelled. Just as she started to clean the new mess, holo-phone began to ring.

"Could you at least answer that transmission?" QT asked irately.

"Fine, I got it," Dandy moaned, dragging himself off the couch and into the ship's cockpit. He pressed a blinking button and a person's face was projected onto the windshield.

"Just like you to keep me waiting," the person greeted him. "You haven't changed a bit, have you…" He muttered, unimpressed by Dandy's appearance.

"Xander? Is that you!?" Dandy uttered.

"Of course it is! Has your brain turned to mush since we last talked?" Xander teased. "How's alien hunting going for you?"

"None of your business!" Dandy snapped.

"You're just as irritable as well. I was hoping you would've at least grown up since high school. And what's with all this tacky Hawaiian décor? You're not planning a luau today, are you?"

Dandy gritted his teeth. "Can you just tell me what you want? Why the hell are you calling me now?"

"I'm in this system on business and I thought I'd catch up. I'm free this afternoon, so I figured we'd get together. How about we meet at this Boobies place?"

Dandy snorted. "That sounds good."

"Do you have a crew for this bucket of bolts?" Xander teased once again. Dandy scowled at him. "Hey, don't be that way."

"Yeah, I've got a crew."

"Great! Bring 'em along so I can meet them! Oh, I'm getting a business call! I'll see you this afternoon! Later!" And with that, Xander's face disappeared and Dandy dragged himself back into the lounge.

"Who was that, Dandy?" QT asked.

"Xander, some jerk I used to hang out with in high school. I hated him! He was always making bad jokes and stealing my dates…"

"What did he want?"

"He said he wanted to meet us all for dinner at Boobies this afternoon, so I want everybody to be ready by then. But if he's not paying for the meal, we're all leaving. And if he is…" Dandy leaned in close to Carrie. "I want you to eat as much as you can." Carrie grinned, her mouth watering.

Later that afternoon, Dandy and his crew entered the restaurant. They looked around and saw Xander sitting at a large table in the back corner of the restaurant. He stood up and waved at Dandy and his crew to catch their attention. The four of them weaseled their way to the back and sat down at the table across from Xander. Xander handed out menus to them all.

"Order whatever you guys want," Xander said in a friendly manner.

"Why are we sitting all the way back here?" Dandy asked. "I can't see any of the waitresses asses from here!"

"Ugh, I still see you haven't learned that there's more to a woman than her butt…" Xander groaned.

"So, what do you want?" Dandy asked.

"Just to chat and catch up," Xander replied as a waitress swaggered up to the table.

"All right, what do ya want?" She asked in a surly manner.

"Fried Grokk," Meow answered.

"Three Mega Burgers!" Carrie exclaimed.

"A quart of oil," QT said without looking at the menu.

"Hot space chicken wings and space beer," Dandy said.

"And I'll just take some space fries and some seltzer," Xander finished. The waitress jotted down their orders and took their menus.

"I'll have it ready whenever," she muttered, retaining her sour attitude. She pointed her pen at Dandy. "And if ya don't get yer jaw off the floor, I'm gonna yank it off and shove it up yer ass! Ya und'rstand?" Dandy nodded.

"Can't you go one evening without upsetting a woman?" Xander grumbled.

"Nope!" Dandy grinned, watching their waitress swinging her hips as she walked away.

"So, I see you've gotten yourself a crew," Xander observed. "Do you mind telling me your names?"

"That's QT, my first mate and maintenance droid," Dandy replied, pointing to QT. "And this is Meow, my, uh… ramen coordinator." Meow shot Xander a "thumbs up". "And this is Carrie, our garbage disposal." Carrie scarfed down the salt shaker and waved at Xander.

"A little motley, but not bad," Xander said. "I'm looking for a crew myself."

"Do you even have a ship?"

"Yes, the _Schlepper_. She's an old corvette-class tugboat-freighter hybrid from the Ethrite Wars," Xander explained.

"Damn, that's quite a ship," Dandy replied. "What's a number-cruncher like you doing with a ship like that?"

"Well," Xander started. "I was an alien hunter like you, but I've hit hard times and became an investor. I needed something that would travel long distances and hold together, but with little maintenance. Long story short, I found her at an auction and paid next to nothing for her."

"Damn know-it-all," Dandy mumbled to Meow, who was playing on his phone. "Lucky you. Those are good ships. I knew a guy who had one for years without ever needing to replace a single part."

"Yeah, they were used as cargo ships back in the Ethrite Wars. They were used to store and smuggle tons of ethrite crystals across enemy lines." The waitress from before came back and set the food on the table.

"There's your grub," she muttered through gritted teeth. She then grabbed Dandy by the collar. "And don't forget to leave a tip or else, pretty-boy!" She threw Dandy back in his seat and walked away.

"What the hell's her problem?" Dandy asked. Xander just shrugged.

"Anyway, I'm an investor now. I've been taking some of that money I saved up from alien hunting and have been trying to work up enough to buy a droid and a good crew. Right now, I've invested my savings into this team at the Robot Bash League. You've seen this show, right?"

"Yeah, I wasn't too fond of it," Dandy answered.

"Anyway, at first it was just to get my name out there, but the team cut me a deal." Xander put a fry in his mouth and sipped his drink. "They told me if I sponsored them and they placed at the League, that they would offer me ten-percent of the winnings!"

"Woo, ten percent…" Dandy said sarcastically as he rolled his eyes.

"It's actually quite a lot," Xander said sternly, taking another sip of his drink. "The cash prize for first place is ten billion woolongs!"

Dandy spat out his beer. "Ten billion woolongs!?"

"Yup," Xander replied. "So I crunched the numbers, and the odds are in this team's favor, so there's no way we could lose! And even if they didn't, it's really good advertising, and I'd make a little off of the ad revenue."

"I'll say," Dandy replied, his mouth full of space chicken.

"I can pay what they want for sponsorship in full, but I figured I'd let you in on the deal." Dandy stopped eating and stared at Xander. "How about it? You and me could team up and make quite a bit of money."

"Thanks, but I don't like making money that way," Dandy replied. QT spat out her oil when she heard him.

"Dandy!" QT whispered. "We could use the money for repairs!"

"What are you talking about? The _Aloha Oe_ is in great shape!"

"No it's not! The operating system is long out of date and the warp drive is on its last legs."

"Hey, what's that about a bad warp drive?" Xander asked, overhearing the conversation. "Sorry if I was eavesdropping, but I couldn't help but overhear you had some problems with your ship."

"My ship is fine," Dandy snapped.

"It's falling _apart_!" QT argued.

"I have a couple of spare warp drives I could let you have," Xander said. "They were junked ones I fixed up myself, so I'm not taking a loss." Dandy gripped his beer mug tightly. "Also, if you want, I could help you with your ship's software trouble."

Dandy raked all the food off the table and into the floor. "No! For the last time, Xander! I don't need your help! You think you're so much better than me because you're smarter, don't you?"

"M-my burgers…" Carrie whimpered.

"No, that's not it at all-"

"Don't lie to me!"

"Dandy, you're obviously drunk. Go home and call me when you're sober. I'm just trying to help out an old friend."

"Yeah, like you helped me out with that jock strap incident!" Dandy staggered to his feet. "Let's get out of here guys! We don't need this asshole…" Carrie and Meow led Dandy away from the table.

"Sorry about the mess," QT apologized.

"Eh, don't worry about it. I know how Dandy is. I really don't blame him for getting upset."

"Jock strap incident?" QT asked, making Xander blush.

"What!? No! That's not it! Dandy was just saying that because he was drunk! You see, the real reason…" Just as Xander was about to explain the real reason, his phone rang. "Sorry, but I've got a business call. I'll have to tell you some other time." And with that, Xander threw some credits on the table and rushed out the back door.

Back at the ship, Dandy was starting to sober up a bit. "Damn that Xander… If only we could make that kind of dough!"

"Why do you hate Xander so much?" QT asked. "He seems like an okay guy."

"I could tell you, but that would drive our word count up too high," Dandy replied, lighting himself a cigarette. QT groaned. "That's it!"

"What's it?"

"We'll make some money and humiliate Xander by entering that robot tournament and beating the team he's sponsoring!" Dandy clenched the cigarette in his teeth and rubbed his hands. "We'll enter the Hawaii Yankee Special® and crush the competiton!"

"But Dandy, the rules don't allow giant mecha to enter. The robots all have to be independently operable. On top of that, there's a weight and size limit…" QT handed Dandy a flyer for the Robot Bash League.

Dandy stared at the poster, and then at QT. "Hmm, I think I have another idea…"

"I don't like where this is going…" QT remarked, noticing Dandy's stare.

"But what could we stick on you for a weapon?" Dandy skimmed over the regulations listed at the bottom of the flyer. "No guns, explosives, firearms, acids, EMPs, high frequency lasers, exploding waffles, extinct animals, fire-breathing insects, or gravity beam weapons are allowed in the arena."

"Can't we talk about this!?" QT asked nervously.

"Nope," Dandy replied, digging through his junk drawer. "We have to move the plot along! Aha!" Dandy pulled out a box of old tools. "We'll put these in your storage compartment, and get close to the other robots and take 'em apart!"

"But Dandy, that's sabotage, which is against the rules."

"So, you'll just have to be sneaky!"

QT pulled out a sheet of paper and skimmed over it. "Hey, this isn't in the script! You're supposed to dress Carrie up as a robot and enter her!"

Just as QT said that, Carrie walked in the room wearing an old washing machine frame over her. "I'm ready to go!" She said.

"There's been a script change," Dandy told her. "Go take that stuff off."

"Aww…" Carrie slunk away, bits of machine parts falling off of her.

"Now let's get you to the arena and sign you up!" Dandy told QT.

"But won't the author be mad that we're changing his story around?"

"Screw the author! Here, stick these laser cutters in your storage compartment." Dandy handed QT a pair of laser cutters.

"But what about the no laser rule?"

"I didn't see anything about laser_ cutters_!" Dandy replied. "Now quit stalling and let's move that plot along!"

QT stared at the reader. "Do you ever days like this?"

Dandy, Carrie, and Meow dragged QT to the Orion Arena, where the Robot Bash League competition was being held. They waited in line, signed QT into the competition, and dragged her down into the arena's basement, where the other competitors were preparing their machines. QT looked around at these machines, all of them adorned with spikes and blades and bear trap-style jaws.

"These guys don't look so tough," Dandy said. "You can beat these nerds easily!"

"Are you sure about this?" QT asked nervously.

"No. It says here in the script that you're going to die a horrible death and that skeleton guy from Chapter One will give us a bunch of money." QT's eyes grew huge. She flipped through her script book, but saw nothing.

"Dandy now's not the time for jokes! There's nothing in the script about any of that!"

"Guess you didn't get the latest revised copy of the script." Dandy waved his script copy in front of QT, red scribbles going across parts of it.

"Give it here!" QT cried.

"Nope!" Dandy held the document just out of the little robot's reach.

"Dammit, Dandy!" QT turned to Carrie and Meow. "You guys! Did you get the latest script revisions!?"

"Nah, I throw it out before the beginning of the chapter," Meow answered.

"And I just go where they tell me," Carrie added.

"Oh, come on, it won't be so bad!" Dandy reassured his robot friend. "At least you won't be subject to this 'terrible' fanfic author's whim anymore!"

QT turned towards the author. "I hate you!" She growled.

"Attention!" A voice over a loudspeaker blared. "All contestants make your way to the arena!"

"Go get 'em!" Dandy cheered as he threw QT in front of a four-legged dog-like robot with huge teeth. It chased her through the hallway leading to the arena.

"Hey, is the author really killing off QT?" Meow asked.

"Nah," Dandy replied. "I just said that to mess with QT's head. Now that she knows her life is really on the line, she'll cheat without giving it a second thought and we'll win that ten billion woolong prize!"

Dandy, Carrie, and Meow made their way to the stands to watch the fight. There were lights flashing everywhere as a massive metal cage rose out of the sides of the arena. Smoke covered the arena floor, but the audience could still make out all sorts of traps, such as drills that popped out of the floor, massive hammers and buzzsaws on arms, and all manners of spikes, drills, and flamethrowers adorned the cage. The crowd was going crazy as a man wearing a referee uniform stepped out onto the arena.

"Ladies and gentlemen!" He screamed into a microphone. "This is it! Tonight, we're gonna see carnage!" The crowd cheered wildly. "We're gonna see mayhem! We're gonna see machines pushed to the limits!" The crowd cheered even louder, causing the whole arena to shake. "And tonight, we're gonna have a champion! Twenty-six robots will enter the arena, but only one will emerge victorious! Tonight, we're gonna make Hell look like heaven in comparison! Now, bring on the 'bots!" The guy ran out of the arena as robots poured into the arena. QT was among them, rolling quietly behind some of the bigger, nastier-looking robots.

"Hey, there's QT!" Carrie pointed out the little yellow and white robot.

"Yup, she'll be just fine," Dandy said, propping his feet up on some guard rails in front of him.

"Okay, the rules are as follows," A voice announced over a loudspeaker. "If you are immobile for thirty seconds, you lose! This fight is a free-for-all! And when we say all, we mean all!"

Another blast of smoke billowed over the arena as four more robots took their places in the four corners of the arena. One looked like a miniature armored car with a set of huge, bug-like jaws and a chainsaw for a tail. Another was a massive hulk of metal on two legs, a huge mallet slung over its shoulder. The third simply looked like a metal scorpion, only with a flamethrower for a tail. And the final looked like a knight, only with a huge set of pincers replacing its left hand, and in the right, it held a huge battle axe.

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you may know, these are what we call our 'house robots'!" Dandy's jaw dropped and he skimmed over the flyer.

"Wait a minute, I didn't see anything about this in the flyer!" Dandy skimmed through the flyer again, then ripped it up.

"Normally, we keep these mechanical matriarchs of malice in the four corners of the arena, but tonight, they will be unleashed upon our competitors!"

"Shit, we gotta get QT out of there!" Dandy exclaimed, grabbing Meow.

"Maybe Xander can help us." Meow pointed to the other side of the stands, where Xander was watching the fight.

"No way!" Dandy crossed his arms defiantly. "I'm not asking that asshole for help, especially after what he pulled on me back in high school!"

"What _did_ he pull on you back in high school?" Meow inquired.

"None of your business!" Dandy kicked Meow away.

"Alright folks, let's get this thing started!" The announcer blared. "Fighters ready? Go!"

Twenty-nine robots piled on top of each other, stabbing, biting, and hitting each other with melee weapons. Four, however, were tearing through the competitors, these 'house robots', as they were called. The big, knight looking one cut a robot shaped like a bulldog in half with his huge pincers while his hulking buddy crushed one with his mallet. Meanwhile, QT went unnoticed as smoke from burning oil filled the arena and hid her from the chaos.

"Aw, I can't see!" Carrie whined, trying to look through the smoke.

In the arena, QT watched as the upper torso of a robot crawled towards her, swinging an axe with the only hand it had left. Just as QT was about to become scrap metal, a buzz saw cut through the mutilated machine, finishing it off. Towering over QT was a multi-armed robot holding a large buzzsaw weapon. It glanced at QT, but was smacked away by a huge mallet from the hulking house robot. QT dodged as the monstrous machine turned its attention to her and attempted to smash her with its empty fist.

"Let's see how you like this!" QT pulled out a cordless drill and used it to puncture one of the hydraulic pistons in the back of the robot's leg. Hydraulic fluid sprayed everywhere and the robot fell on one knee, then was defeated by a saw blade to the face.

"Hey, thanks!" The other robot, nodded in acknowledgement and attacked another competitor.

The two of them teamed up against the other competitors. This mysterious robot would incapacitate the competitors with its buzzsaw weapon, while QT would finish the job by stabbing them with a screwdriver, and sometimes QT would sabotage an enemy while her robot friend would finish them off. Eventually, only four competitors remained, not counting the three remaining house robots.

"Alright folks, looks like it's sudden death!" The announcer yelled as the crowd cheered and booed. "The last competitor standing will go home tonight's champion and receive our ten million woolong reward!"

One of the surviving competitors, a hulking metal robot with huge fists, launched one of his fists at QT's robot friend, knocking it to the ground. The robot took the blow, but grabbed a hold of the chain connecting the robot to its fists and yanked it forward, toppling the robot. QT closed in with her cordless drill to do some damage, but as soon as she was about to loosen a metal panel on its back, her drill's battery died.

"Dammit! Why didn't I bring that spare battery?" QT was smacked away as the robot stood to its feet and reeled in its fist.

QT's robot friend stood to its feet, revving its saw blade. The metal cage masking the mechanics around its head was dented in from the blow. Meanwhile, the mechanical scorpion closed in, its pincers reaching for the damaged bot. It shot a jet of flame at its prey, however the robot used them to mask its attack. It cut into the scorpion's left claw, incapacitating it, but not completely severing it. The now-useless appendage dragged along the side as the scorpion reached at the bot with its remaining claw, grabbing him successfully. The mechanical scorpion dragged it closer to its mouth, ready to rip it to shreds; however the bot cut into the scorpion-bot's head with its buzzsaw, defeating the house robot.

"Look out!" QT yelled as the punchy competitor from before lunged at the robot.

It fired its fists at the other robot, but this time it was ready for the attack. It revved up its buzzsaw, but the weapon sputtered and died; the fuel for the weapon ran out. The robot gave an "oh crap" look as its opponent retracted its fists and began punching it against the wall. The remaining two house robots closed in, ready to break up the fight.

"What do I do?" QT asked herself. She dug in her storage compartment for something to help her new friend, but it was empty. She looked across the battlefield, but only saw the broken remains of her opponents. "Wait, that's it!"

QT jammed robot parts into her vacuum cleaner palms and launched them at the house robots. A severed arm lodged itself into the tire of the smaller one, immobilizing it, while another part stabbed a fuel tank on the hulking knight-bot's left shoulder. Bleeding oil, it turned to face its attacker. Dandy and Meow clung to each other in horror as the hulking metal mass stomped towards the little robot. Its clawed hand dangled useless beside it, but it still held the huge battle axe in the other. QT fired a handful of bolts at the bot's face, taking out its optical sensors and blinding the menacing adversary.

"Way to go, QT!" Meow cheered.

"See? And you wanted to get QT out of there!" Dandy propped his feet up again.

"Me!?" Meow snapped. "What was all of that concern you were showing a few paragraphs ago?"

"Me? Nah, that was Carrie…"

"Who me?" Carrie asked, her mouth full of corn dogs.

"Let's just watch the fight," Dandy said.

QT rolled between the huge knight-bot's legs as it stumbled forward, blindly swinging along the ground. QT grabbed the arm of a fallen robot and launched it at the punching robot. The arm glanced off the iron bruiser, causing it to turn its attention to the little yellow robot. It tossed the battered remains of the other robot to the side and closed in on QT.

"That's it, we're busting QT out!" Dandy brandished his pistol and prepared to jump out of the stands.

"I knew you were worried," Meow said.

"Shut up!" Dandy kicked Meow, but Meow caught his leg and pushed back.

"Wait!" A voice called out just as the machine was about to stomp on the much smaller QT. Meow and Dandy watched as a man jumped out of the stands and ran onto the field. He stood between QT and this hulking robot, stopping the fight. The referee from before walked onto the arena as a red light flashed overhead.

"Hey, is that Xander?" Meow asked, observing the scene.

"What the hell is he doing?" Dandy asked.

"Sir, you can't be on the field in the middle of a fight!" The ref exclaimed.

"I can't let this fight continue!" Xander argued.

"And why not?"

"Because…" Xander thought quickly, then thought up a lie. "Because this robot was cheating!" The ref's eyes widened and the crowd gasped.

"Do you have any evidence?" The ref asked.

"You should see it if you watched the tapes," Xander explained. Dandy jumped out of the stands and climbed into the arena.

"What the hell are you doing!?" He asked Xander.

"Shh… I'm stalling this fight so you can get QT out of here. This is no place for a robot like her. No offense, QT."

"None taken!"

"But we really did cheat!" Dandy whispered. "You're gonna get us caught!"

"Well, you shouldn't have entered QT in the first place! She wasn't designed for this level of combat!" Xander whispered back. "You're so irresponsible!"

"Gentlemen, if I may interrupt," the ref said, "we need to wrap this up. I'll review the tapes if you both get off the stage."

"Wait, don't review those tapes!" Dandy pleaded with the judge. "This robot wasn't cheating! This guy's just drunk!"

"I don't drink…" Xander replied.

"We're checking those security tapes," the ref answered sternly. He walked out of the arena.

Xander picked up QT and handed her to Dandy. "Now take your robot and run!"

"What's the big idea, sabotaging my plan?" Dandy shouted.

"What the hell were you thinking, having QT compete in this competition?" Xander shouted back.

"Hey, I had it under control the entire time!" Dandy lied. "I gave QT plenty of tools to sabotage the other contestants during the fight."

"You mean you actually cheated!? Do you know what they do to cheaters?"

"Uh, you guys…" QT interrupted, pointing behind Dandy.

Just as Xander finished his sentence, the hulking knight robot stood to its feet. It tore off its useless appendage and picked up its axe.

"After reviewing the security tapes," a voice over the intercom blared, "Contestant number twenty-four, QT, has been found guilty of cheating!"

"But what about Contestant 23?" QT asked, pointing to her robot friend, who was still pinned to the wall. "That is the robot you were sponsoring, right Xander?"

"Actually, the robot I sponsored was that one," Xander pointed to the huge-fisted robot with the chain knuckles that was beating up the other robot. "I'm not sure why that particular robot was helping you."

"The other gentleman has twenty seconds to leave the arena," the announcer blared.

Just then, the arena exit slowly started to close. Without a second thought, Xander and Dandy bolted towards it, Xander taking a substantial lead. He slid through the door and stopped to help Dandy through, but the door slammed shut.

"Damn!" Xander cursed, pounding his fist on the door. He started fiddling with the control panel beside it. "Hold on, Dandy! I'll get you out!"

"Don't bother, you jerk! I'll get myself out!" Dandy turned around and fired his pistol at the hulking knight bot stomping towards them, but they just glanced off his thick armored plating.

"How can that thing even see? I thought I blinded it." QT remarked.

"That's okay, we've got a Plan B!" Dandy turned to the stands and started waving at Carrie. "Hey Carrie! We need help down here!" Dandy pulled out a bunch of flags, with "HELP" written on them and started waving them around. Unfortunately, the Sepian had left her seat and was following the snack vendor. She was using her tail to steal food from him.

"Hey, I think your friends in the arena are trying to get your attention," the vendor informed her.

Carrie turned around and saw Dandy and QT waving flags at her. "Hi, guys!" Carrie waved back. She turned back around and swiped another soft pretzel from the vendor and ate it.

"Stop that!" The vendor yelled.

"So much for Plan B…" Dandy said.

"What about Meow?"

"Hold on, guys!" Meow shouted as he ran down the stairs towards the arena. However, before he could reach them, a huge crowd of people stomped on him. "Ouch…"

Dandy was about to open his mouth when QT stopped him. "I know what you're going to say. 'Damn fanfic author and damn concession stand vendors'."

"How did you know I was going to say that?"

"I'm thinking it myself…"

The knight robot's huge axe came crashing down between Dandy and QT. The two ran off in opposite directions, hoping to confuse the metal hulk. It turned towards Dandy ran at him. Dandy was about to back himself in a corner when a set of drills popped out of the arena, stopping him. The metal knight stood over the cornered alien hunter, brandishing its axe. Suddenly, the huge robot cringed as sparks flew from its right leg. The robot that was helping QT had torn off one of the arena's buzzsaws and was using it to slice away at the knight robot's leg. Outraged, the hulking mass of metal took a swipe at it, but it dodged.

"Dandy, over here!" Xander called out from the arena exit. "I've hacked into the door controls!"

QT rolled towards the door as fast as her motor would allow and slid inside the corridor with Xander. Dandy bolted for the door as the knight robot stomped on their robot ally, ending his run for good. The knight robot turned towards Dandy and plodded after him, but the alien hunter had a considerable lead on him. Dandy ran through the doorway, grabbed QT, and bolted towards the exit. Two guards suddenly ran in from the opposite direction.

"What do you think you're doing?" One of them asked Xander.

"I tried to stop those cheaters, but they ran that way!" Xander pointed down the opposite corridor Dandy and QT took. The guards thanked him and ran off. "That's three you owe me, Dandy!"

Dandy's escape route led him and QT into a maintenance tunnel for the food court, where they found Carrie and Meow munching on soft pretzels.

"Thanks for the help, guys!" Dandy shouted sarcastically.

"We can be angry at them later," QT said. "Let's get out of here, first!"

"But my pretzel!" Carrie whined as Dandy dragged her away with Meow tucked under his arm.

Dandy and QT bolted out the exit and took a taxi back to the docks, where they hid inside their ship, locking all the doors and barring all the windows. Dandy and QT slunk onto the couch, both of them terrified and exhausted.

"That was almost the end of both of us," Dandy panted.

"Yeah," QT replied.

"And what the hell is wrong with you two?" Dandy asked Carrie and Meow angrily. He stood to his feet. "Why didn't you help us when we needed you?"

"Hey, I tried, but I draw the line at getting trampled on!" Meow argued.

"And I was hungry!" Carrie added.

"No excuses!" Dandy argued back. He fell back into the couch. "Ugh, I'm too exhausted to fight with you two…" Suddenly, the phone started to ring. "Ugh, someone get that…"

Meow picked up the receiver. "I didn't even know we had a phone. Hello? No, this is Meow. Dandy?" Meow looked at Dandy who shook his head. "He's not available at the moment. What's that? You need an alien hunter? Well, we usually don't get calls, but-" Dandy jumped off the couch and snatched the phone away from Meow.

"Space Dandy, dandiest space hunter in the galaxy speaking! Sorry, but we don't normally take hunting jobs. TV? What do you mean you saw me on TV?" QT overheard the conversation and flipped on the TV. There was a news report about Dandy's escape from the Orion Arena and his "fight" with the massive knight robot. "Yes, that robot was mine. Sure, as long as the pay's good. We don't normally get hired by private parties to hunt aliens but… Five-hundred thousand woolongs!? Hell yeah, we'll take the job!" Dandy slammed the phone on the receiver.

"Who was that?" Carrie asked.

"That was our next paycheck! The president of Slateford Mining Company saw us on TV and wants us to do dispose of a new alien species for him."

"But we're alien hunters, Dandy," QT said. "The last time we tracked down a 'new' alien species, we only made ten lousy credits and wound up with that." QT pointed to Carrie, who had just taken a bite out of the phone book.

"This time it's different. This pay is guaranteed as long as we catch this alien! _And_ we can cash it in at the registration office once we've collected our payment and score big!"

"Did you at least get a description of it this time?"

"No." QT put her hand over her face screen. "But he did say he'd describe the alien in detail once we met him in person!"

"How much are we getting paid?" QT asked.

"Five-hundred thousand woolongs!" QT's eyes turned to dollar signs.

"Wow! Wait a minute, with that high of a reward, this job sounds dangerous."

"Eh, we can handle it. We've got the Hawaii Yankee Special®!"

"Dandy, stop doing that! Those trademark symbols are expensive!"

"So when do we meet this guy?" Meow asked.

"At the beginning of the next chapter," Dandy replied.

"Which is…?"

"I dunno! I'm not the author!"

"So… two weeks?"

"Yup! Two weeks!" Dandy sat down on the couch. "Wait a minute, two weeks!? What the hell? I can't wait two weeks! Where's that damn author?" Dandy tried to get up, but QT held him back. "Two weeks! I need that money now!"

**A/N: Sorry for the late update. My internet was down part of last week and I had to catch up on homework, but now it's up and I've already started on the next chapter, so enjoy! The next chapter will be a little late as well. I've got a couple of college projects and papers due over the next few weeks, but I've got the next chapter outlined, so I'm hoping it won't take two weeks like Dandy said! Anyways, check my profile for updates and news. I'm looking for a better solution to deliver news to you guys in case I'm going to be late with a chapter, like maybe starting a forum here on . And again, thanks for reading and thank Busbyfan101 for the idea of adding Xander to the story. I made a few last-minute changes to his character, but I hope he turned out all right! **


	4. Chapter 4

**Woo, my classes got canceled and I got snowed in, so that means you guys get another update for this week! I should have another update by next weekend, so stay tuned! Also, a shout-out to you guys that have faved/watched this story without reviewing it! Hope you enjoy the ride!**

**The universe is filled with billions of extraterrestrial beings, many of them new and undiscovered! But one man named Dandy plans on finding and registering them all! He travels the universe with his crew and amazing pompadour in search of adventure, excitement, and boobies! These are the adventures of the dandiest guy in space, Space Dandy!**

"Doctor Gel!" A voice screamed. A being that looked like a flamboyant sea captain with a flaming skull for a head spun around in his chair.

A gorilla-like being ran into the room. "You called, Commodore Perry?" He asked, his voice shaky.

"We haven't appeared in this fanfiction at all! You've allowed Dandy to go three chapters into this fanfiction, and you haven't attempted to catch him once!"

"But sir, we've been busy trying to capture Dandy in the canon series!"

"You mean you've been busy _failing_! We're almost halfway through with season one in the canon series, and you haven't even come close to capturing Dandy!"

"But commodore! It's not my fault! The show's writers-"

"Silence!" Perry shouted at his subordinate. "I'm tired of your excuses! I have decided to take on the task of capturing Dandy myself, since my so-called 'top officer' can't accomplish what should be a simple task!" Commodore Perry rotated his chair towards an alien sitting at a computer console. "You! Send out an order to the entire Gogol fleet! We're deploying!"

"Yes, sir!" The alien answered.

"Sir," another alien sitting at a computer console said. "We're receiving a priority one message from our emperor."

"Put it through," Commodore Perry hissed.

The alien pushed a few buttons and a huge, holographic screen appeared before Commodore Perry. Displayed on the screen was not the emperor of the Gogol Empire, but a human woman with long, blue hair and an odd tattoo below her left eye. She had piercing green eyes and a wicked grin that seemed to cut through Commodore Perry's soul, even though the message was pre-recorded.

"Greetings, Commodore Perry, I am Claire," the recording played. "I am calling to tell you that as of this morning, the Gogol Empire has been assimilated into Cybersol Industries in order to pay off a massive debt your empire accumulated while waging war against the Jaicro Empire. You will retain your military positions, but you and your men are now under my command. I am ordering you to disregard any orders you have received from your former emperor and report to the coordinates I have encrypted in this message. If you do not, you will be found guilty of treason, and you will be sentenced to death. Also, just to give you incentive, I have sent my personal agent to ensure that you follow my orders."

"Sir!" The alien at the control panel exclaimed. "There's an intruder aboard the ship! I'm not getting any response from patrol units three, five, or twelve!"

"She is Cybersol Industries' latest completed project," the message continued. Blueprints flashed across the holo-screen. "The corpse of a fallen, Sepian warrior given new life using the latest in Cybersol biotechnology and techno-organics."

Just as Claire's face reappeared on the monitor, everyone in the room heard a commotion outside the door. The guards outside fired several gunshots, but were quickly silenced. A metal blade suddenly wedged itself between the door and pried it open.

"This is Shusuka. She is Cybersol Industries strongest, most loyal agent. She does not take orders from anyone but me, and she does _not_ take kindly to insubordination."

A tall, shapely woman with brown hair and a tail walked into the room, dragging the two guards from outside with her. The left side of her face appeared to be rotting and her left eye was replaced with a mechanical, red eye. The end of her tail was fitted with a bladed weapon and she wore tattered, battle-scarred clothing. She threw one of the dead guards at Commodore Perry's feet, tore the other dead guard's arm off, and bit into it. She stared at Perry with an emotionless gaze.

"I expect you to arrive within three days, or Shusuka will kill every crew member aboard your ship. Her space titanium frame should be able to withstand any of your marine's hand-held weapons and her strength is more than triple that of half of your crew combined. Please, do not upset her. You are all valued assets to Cybersol Industries, and replacing you and your vessel would be exceedingly costly." Commodore Perry snarled and gripped the arm rests on his chair. "And with that, I bid you good day, Commodore, and hope that you have a… pleasant journey!" And with that, the transmission ended. Commodore Perry glared at Shusuka, who was still eating the dead guard she killed a few minutes ago.

"If you think I'm going to take orders from you and your… boss, you are sorely mistaken!" He roared, the flames engulfing his head shooting towards the ceiling.

Shusuka stared at the Commodore. She swung her tail like a whip and decapitated one of Commodore Perry's alien minions. She gave Perry a nasty glare and bit into the arm again.

"C-commodore…" Dr. Gel stammered.

"Right… Dandy can wait another day." Perry replied, his flames dying down quickly. He pointed at another minion, who was cowering behind his computer. "You! Inform the rest of the ships to set a new course. We're going to pay our new…'boss'… a visit!" And with that, The Commodore's fleet shot off into hyperspace.

"What the hell was all that about?" Meow asked, reading over the events in the first paragraphs.

"Beats the hell outta me," Dandy replied. "I'm sure it won't interfere with our current plot, so I don't care."

Dandy flew the _Aloha Oe_ towards a massive space station. It docked beside a landing platform and Dandy exited his ship with his crew. The four of them followed a little mouse-shaped robot who led them to an office door.

"Come on in!" A voice inside yelled. Dandy, QT, Carrie, and Meow stepped through the doorway to find a huge, obese man sitting at a desk. He had green skin and huge tusks poking out of his mouth but looked human otherwise. "I would offer you folks a drink, but we're having a shortage on liquids…"

"A shortage on liquids?" QT asked.

"That's why I called you," the large, alien man replied.

"Listen, we're alien hunters, not plumbers!" Dandy exclaimed in protest.

"That's why I called you! Our water problem is something of a more sinister nature. You see, we were mining for ethrite crystals, when we stumbled across an unidentified creature. It attacked our men and drained all of the water we use to cool our heavy equipment! And to make matters worse, it's attacked our facilities and drained them of all of their water as well!" The man got on his hands and knees and graveled at Dandy's feet. "Please! I'll pay anything you want to get rid of it! I haven't been able to flush my toilet in weeks and I'm losing so much money!" He sobbed.

Dandy grinned and gave the man a thumbs-up. "Leave it to us! We'll bag your alien!"

"Oh, thank you! Thank you!" The man kissed Dandy's feet. "It's staying on the third largest asteroid orbiting the closest planet!" The man pulled a small device out of his pocket, which projected a map of the planet and a ring of asteroids orbiting it. He pointed to a large asteroid outlined in red.

"I've got the coordinates saved, Dandy," QT said.

"I got snacks!" Carrie yelled, waving around a bag of chips.

"My phone's fully charged and ready to take pics!" Meow added, spinning his phone around as if it were a gun.

"Then, we're all set to go!" Dandy and his crew left the office, the man still on his knees.

"Oh, I hope they get that thing soon," he muttered, holding his gurgling stomach. "I'm going to need to use the bathroom…"

The _Aloha Oe_ pulled out from the space station and navigated carefully through the asteroid thicket. It came across bits of broken mining equipment and wrecked supply vessels along the way, shriveled corpses floating around them. Finally, the ship made it to the target destination. The asteroid was surrounded by a portable atmosphere, giving it a bluish tinge and making it easy to spot amongst the other asteroids. The _Aloha Oe _landed gently on its surface and Dandy and his crew stepped out to start their hunt.

Dandy un-holstered his pistol. "QT, scan the area for any signs of movement."

"Already on it, Dandy!"

"Meow, keep an eye on our flank!"

"Yeah, whatever," Meow muttered, typing on his phone.

"Carrie," Dandy said, turning towards the Sepian who was cramming bacon-wrapped snack cakes in her mouth. "Make sure some of that fat goes to your ass… You're too flat back there."

"Okay," Carrie answered, still eating.

"Dandy, there's movement to our right!"

"Alright, let's go bag us an alien!"

QT led Dandy and the others across the asteroid, Carrie following behind Dandy and still stuffing her face, and Meow following last, still typing on his phone. The four of them came across a dig site, the ground littered with broken excavation equipment and badly-shriveled bodies of miners.

"Damn, what could've done this?" Dandy asked.

"I don't know," QT answered, scanning the area.

"Aw, my snacks are all gone!" Carrie whined as she swallowed her last snack.

Suddenly, Dandy heard a moan. One of the shriveled-up miners slowly started to move towards Dandy and his crew. His face was horribly dried and shriveled, making him look like a mummy without bandages.

"So… thirsty…" the miner wheezed. He weakly grabbed Dandy's ankle. "Water… please… sir…"

Dandy pulled out a canteen and gave it to the man, who swallowed every drop. "Thank you…," he rasped.

"What happened?" Dandy asked.

"Th-that… thing... attacked… and… you, have, to,… leave!"

"We'll take care of it," Dandy told the highly dehydrated miner.

"Hey guys," Carrie said, her nose pointed upwards. "I smell water."

"Water? On an asteroid?" Meow asked. "Impossible!"

Just then, the four of them heard a cry for help. "B-bobby…" the miner coughed.

"Meow, stay and watch this guy!"

"Hell no! Last time I stayed behind, I got tied to a tree by a crazed computer!"

"Fine, whatever!"

Dandy, Meow, QT, and Carrie ran to the source of the scream, where they came across a horrifying site. They found this miner, Bobby, lying on the ground, some kind of dark blue tentacle attached to his face. They watched as he shriveled up like a raisin, the tentacle sucking him dry like a Capri Sun juice packet. Standing over him was a small, humanoid figure of a girl. Her hair was made up of these same writhing tentacles, all of them with a squishy, but jagged mouth. She had the body of a small girl and had light blue skin.

"Sorry about that," she sneered, "but I needed that water more than you!"

"Hold it right there!" Dandy pointed his pistol at the back of this creature's head. "You put that water, or whatever you sucked from that man and come quietly or I'll shoot you!"

The creature grinned wickedly. "I'm afraid you've messed with the wrong girl." She spun around and was stricken by what she saw. The three most beautiful people she had ever seen. One of them had a handsome hairdo and a nice, big, strong jaw with a great set of teeth. The second one had the biggest breasts she had ever seen. The third one was a cute, weasel-looking creature wearing a hat and a vest.

"What the hell! I'm not a weasel!" Meow protested.

And the last one, well she didn't care much for robots, but she decided that three out of four wasn't bad. Her jaw dropped, along with the jaws of all the eyeless, snake-like tentacles covering her head.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" She ran up to Dandy and loosely wrapped her tentacles around him. "I had no idea you were such a space stud!"

"Eww, keep those things away from me!" Dandy slapped one of her tentacles off his shoulder.

"Don't worry…" She said seductively. "They don't bite…" The tentacles all opened their slimy mouths and let out a low hiss.

"Sorry, but I'm not interested in younger women… Or women with slugs for hair…"

"That's perfect. I'm five-hundred and thirty…" She tried to put her tentacles around Dandy again, but he backed off and swatted them away. "Fine, maybe your other friends would like to play…" She turned her attention to Carrie and Meow.

"What's your deal, kid!" QT demanded.

"Kid!" The strange creature exclaimed. "Kid!? I'll show you kid, you damn, talking toaster!"

The creature lashed out at QT with one of her tentacles, but Dandy shot its head off with his pistol. The severed head of the creature fell to the ground in front of QT, let out a screech, and dissolved into a pile of blue goo. The tentacle then grew another head, and three more shot out and grabbed Dandy. She took away his gun and dragged him towards her.

"That's okay, I forgive you," she said seductively.

"Ugh, I told you, Dandy doesn't swing that way!"

"Then, how _do_ you want me to swing?" The creature puckered her lips and leaned in to Dandy. Dandy broke free from her grasp and crawled over to his crew as she laughed sinisterly.

"What the hell is that thing?" Meow asked, hiding behind Dandy's leg.

"I'll ask," Carrie said. "Hey! What are you supposed to be?"

"I'm Scyllia," she said with a hiss. "I'm an Arquarian."

"I've never heard of that," Dandy whispered.

"Must be another thing the author made up," QT answered.

"I'm gonna kick his ass," Dandy muttered. "Where is he?" Dandy looked towards the screen, but the author was nowhere to be seen. "Dammit!"

"Wait, if the author's missing, then who's writing the story?" Meow asked before he felt something knock him off his feet. Dandy and Carrie fell to the ground as well, all three of them being dragged towards Scyllia by their legs.

"Not just one, but _three_! These miners are all so boring!"

"I told you, Dandy doesn't swing that way, baby!" Dandy exclaimed. "I'm an ass-man!"

"Surely you can make an exception!" Scyllia replied coyly. "Just let me absorb some of the water from this storage tank and I can be whatever you want me to be…" She turned towards a huge tank of water. "I stole it from these miner-guys."

"Dandy! We can't let her absorb the water from that tank!" QT yelled.

"We'll have a little, Scyllia-Dandy time…" Scyllia hissed seductively. "Or maybe a little Scyllia, Meow, Carrie, _and_ Dandy time! I've never had a four-way before…"

"Wait, can't we grab some more snacks first?" Carrie asked.

"No! Let me go!" Meow screamed.

Dandy went for his pistol, but realized that Scyllia still had it. Her tentacle had swallowed it, but he could still see the shape of the gun inside of it. Dandy grabbed the tentacle and tore it in half, blue slime splattering everywhere. He pulled his slime-covered gun from the tentacle's, erm, throat, and used it to shoot the tentacles holding Carrie, Meow, and himself.

"I told you," Scyllia hissed, sounding a little agitated. The tentacles Dandy shot off reformed and let out a shrill screech. "That won't work!"

The tentacles attacked Dandy, but he shot them off with his gun. He put a few shots in Scyllia's head as well, but she just reformed and attacked again.

"Carrie, do something!" Dandy yelled as Scyllia's tentacle, snake, hair-things chased him around. Carrie picked up an enormous boulder and threw it at Scyllia.

"Busty _and _strong…" Scyllia whispered as the boulder crushed her, turning her into a puddle of blue goo and water.

"Good work!" Dandy gave Carrie a thumbs-up. "QT, you can hold our prisoner!"

"Hold on, let me switch out to my water-tight vacuum container," QT replied.

As QT was changing out her containers, the slime from Scyllia started to pull itself together, but rather than re-form, it slithered towards the huge storage container full of water. QT finally finished swapping out her storage containers and began vacuuming the water.

"Hey Dandy, there's only water here," QT remarked.

"What?"

"I only vacuumed up water! That Arquarian, or whatever, got away!"

"Shit!" Dandy shouted. It then dawned on Dandy where Scyllia escaped to, but by then he was too late.

Dandy and his crew heard a loud creaking noise coming from the water tank and turned around. The tank swelled and groaned until it exploded, a giant version of Scyllia rising up out of it. She was as tall as the Hawaii Yankee Special®, and her body was a bit shapelier than before.

"Run!" Dandy screamed as he ran off. Carrie, Meow, and QT all went off in different directions as Scyllia towered over them, wondering who would be her first victim.

"Got to… get to… the ship," Dandy stammered as the ground shook beneath him. The _Aloha Oe _was just ahead, but one of Scyllia's tentacles wrapped around the ship.

"Not so fast, pretty boy!" Scyllia roared. "After the author created me, he left his laptop running, allowing me to read all about you and your ship!" Scyllia dropped Dandy's ship down her throat and swallowed it.

Scyllia was about to grab Dandy next when a boulder hit her in the face. The boulder lodged itself partially in her gelatinous skin, but slid off of her harmlessly. The Arqarian turned to see Carrie standing up on a high plateau, getting ready to throw another boulder at her. Scyllia launched another one of her tentacles at the Sepian and knocked her off.

"Damn, this is gonna be tough!" Dandy aimed his pistol at Scyllia's leg and put a few holes in it, but they closed up as the slime covering Scyllia's body sealed up her injuries.

"Dandy!" The alien hunter heard QT yell at him. The little robot rolled towards him. "What happened to the _Aloha Oe_?"

"She ate it!"

"What!?"

"QT, how much will that water-tight container of yours hold?" Dandy asked. He watched as Carrie lifted up the plateau she was standing on.

"It can hold and compress up to eighteen gallons," QT replied. Carrie swung the plateau at Scyllia like a huge, stone bat, but the gelatinous alien absorbed the blow and broke the rock with her tentacle hair. "I might've been able to hold her before, but at her present height, there's no way!"

"Well, you're just gonna have to take one for the team!" Dandy grabbed QT's arms and shoved them into Scyllia's left leg. QT turned on her vacuums and started sucking up slime and water.

"I hate you, Dandy!" QT screamed as her container overflowed and she herself started to fill up with slime.

By the time Scyllia had realized what was going on, QT had sucked up enough water and slime to weaken her left leg and the huge Arqarian fell to the ground, causing a huge, gelatinous mess. She quickly started to reform as QT stopped vacuuming.

"I'm going to explode…" QT said.

"Then empty that slime and come on!" Dandy exclaimed. QT emptied herself of the slime.

"Look, there's the ship!" QT exclaimed, pointing in the middle of the huge puddle of slime.

Meanwhile, Scyllia was still reforming around them. She had finished reforming her head, hair tentacles, and right shoulder, but her progress was interrupted by a huge boulder to the head from Carrie. Dandy and QT waded through the slime towards the _Aloha Oe_. They could feel the slime pulsing as Scyllia started to reform slowly again. They heard Carrie throwing another boulder, but didn't bother to turn around to watch, instead scrambling aboard the ship, where they found Meow cowering under the sofa.

"Good, you're here!" Meow exclaimed when he saw Dandy and QT. "Now let's get the hell out of here!"

"You mean you were in here the whole time!?" Dandy asked angrily. "Why didn't you transform the ship into the Hawaii Yankee Special®?"

"Well, I tried but…" Meow held up a broken joystick.

"Why you little-!" Dandy wrapped his hands around Meow's throat. "How the hell are we supposed to fight this thing now?" Suddenly, the _Aloha Oe_ shifted as the slime covering it was absorbed back into Scyllia's body, knocking Dandy to the floor.

"We can beat Meow up later!" QT shouted.

"You're right!" Dandy ran to the bridge and started the ship's engines. "The Hawaii Yankee is too small to take on that monstrous dame, and the controls for the Hawaii Yankee Special® are broken, so we're gonna have to use the ship's regular weaponry."

Dandy pushed a button and several huge, double-barreled cannons popped out of the ship's hull. The cannons aimed at Scyllia, who had reformed into a huge, gelatinous and soggy upper torso and unleashed a hail of laser blasts at her. Dandy pressed another button and sections of the hull opened up to reveal missile bays, which launched a barrage of missiles at Scyllia. Dandy kept up the barrage as Scyllia screamed in pain. Scyllia then melted into a huge pool of slime and water and seeped into a huge crater to hide. Dandy kept up the barrage of missiles and laser bolts until one of Scyllia's hair tentacles busted out of the ground and grabbed the _Aloha Oe_.

"Crap!" Dandy cursed.

He tried to break free from Scyllia's grasp, but the engines weren't strong enough. Scyllia pulled the ship down towards the ground. Meanwhile, Carrie was picking herself up off the ground. Before Dandy started shooting, she had just taken another hit from Scyllia's tentacles. She watched as Scyllia oozed out of the huge crack in the ground her hair tentacle made.

"Any more ideas?" QT asked.

"Wait!" Meow ran into the kitchen and returned with an orange, spongy rag. "We can use this!"

"That useless cloth sponge thing we bought from that infomercial?" Dandy asked.

"Meow, I don't think that can hold all the water Scyllia has already absorbed!" QT reasoned with the Betelgeusian.

"It's worth a shot!" Meow ran towards the ship's emergency hatch. "Okay, I'll just drop this and…"

"Wait!" QT interrupted. "You have to make sure it makes contact with Scyllia's head or body! If it just hits a tentacle, it might not absorb enough water to do much to her!"

Meow stared down at Scyllia, who grabbed the _Aloha Oe_ with another tentacle. She had reabsorbed all of her slime, but her legs remained a mass of water and slime.

"Okay Harry Clays, you better not have lied about this thing's absorbing power," Meow mumbled as he stared at the odd-looking cleaning rag. "QT, I need you to launch me!"

"But, why?"

"It'll boost my fan appeal! Now do it!"

QT vacuumed up Meow and the orange rag with one of her hands. She pointed her other hand at Scyllia's face and fired Meow at her.

Scyllia used one of her hands to pick up Carrie. "Just two more and I'll have all three of you to myself!" Scyllia exclaimed, licking her lips. Before Scyllia realized what was happening, she felt something penetrate her forehead. "Give it up, Space Stud! You and your sexy friends are all mine!"

Suddenly, Scyllia started to feel weird. The water she absorbed was slowly being sucked out of her, and she started to lose her new mass and new curves. The tentacles holding the _Aloha Oe _became weaker and weaker until the yellow starship broke free from her grasp. A huge, orange lump swelled up inside her head until it grew to the size of a city block. Scyllia returned to her original size, only she was much scrawnier and a paler blue. The _Aloha Oe _landed back on the asteroid's surface and Dandy and QT exited the ship. QT used her vacuum hands to suck up the weakened Scyllia and trapped her in the water-tight container.

"Good team work!" Dandy congratulated everyone.

"Yeah!" Carrie cheered.

"Except for you…"

"Aw, no fair! I helped, too!"

QT pulled the container filled with pale blue goo out of her storage compartment. "So what do we do with her now?"

Dandy grinned. "I'd tell ya, but I'm afraid of jinxing it! We're only at four thousand words, and these fics usually run to five thousand, so a lot can happen in that time."

Meow crawled out from under the swollen orange towel, sponge thing. "What I don't understand is how we even _got_ that many words with nobody sitting at the laptop.

"I don't know, but as soon as he comes back, I'm still gonna deck him in the nose for creating such a character." Dandy held the container close to his face and tapped on it. Scyllia formed an eyeball and winked at him, causing Dandy to make a face in disgust.

The crew loaded up into the _Aloha Oe _and flew back to the space station with both Scyllia and the massive, orange towel full of water.

"Thank you! Thank you!" The fat alien man praised them. "And you even recovered all of our water! Now I can finally flush my toilet! I haven't been able to flush it in two weeks!"

"Eww…" QT grimaced.

Dandy proudly showed the man Scyllia, who was still trapped in her container. "She was a tough catch, but no match for the original _canon_ crew of the _Aloha Oe_!" Dandy boasted. Carrie glared at him, the hairs on her tail standing up.

"As promised, here's your reward!" The man gave Dandy a briefcase filled with five hundred thousand woolongs. Dandy grabbed it and shook the man's hand.

"Thank you, my good sir! Now if you'll excuse me, I have an alien to register!"

"All right! Just make sure it doesn't wind up back here!" Dandy and his crew headed back to their ship with their catch.

"Only one last thing to do…" Dandy gripped the handlebars he used to control the _Aloha Oe_, a huge grin spread across his face. In what seemed like no time at all, the ship docked at the registration center. Dandy ran towards the front door when he was stopped by a cloaked figure.

"Ah, you guys again!" A voice hissed from beneath the hood of the cloak. It tilted back to reveal the metal skeleton man, Skrull.

"Creepy skeleton guy!" Dandy greeted him.

"It's Skrull…"

"Yeah, whatever. How have you been? We haven't seen you since Chapter One!"

"Oh, I've been… busy." Skrull chuckled sinisterly. "Mostly just loafing around, now that I'm no longer playing any significant role in this fanfic." He noticed the container Dandy was holding. "Ah, got yourself some gelatin to give to the red-headed lady inside, eh?"

"No, this is our latest capture! She's our ticket to fortune!"

"Oh really? Mind if I have a look?" Dandy handed the creepy skeleton guy the container with Scyllia still crammed inside. "A slime creature, eh? Must've been hard to catch. They're tricky." Skrull chuckled a bit and handed the container back to Dandy.

"Well, we're off to get this thing registered and collect our money," Dandy tucked the container under his arm.

"Very well. I'm meeting someone anyway," Skrull hissed, snickering a bit. "I had to sell my ship and need to find a way out of here."

"Hey, if you need a ride, I'd be glad to-"

"No thank you," Skrull hissed as he walked away. "Go cash in your alien. I'll see ya around." And with that, Skrull ambled away, once again laughing sinisterly.

"Seriously, what is with that guy?" QT asked. Dandy just shrugged.

The four of them walked into the registration center with their catch and took their place in line. This place was _always_ full of alien hunters cashing in on new alien species they'd caught. After a long wait, they finally found themselves standing in front of Scarlet's desk.

"Well, look who's back," Scarlet said when she saw Dandy. "Hopefully you've got something good."

"Yes we do!" Dandy dropped the container on Scarlet's desk. "She calls herself a Aqua-something…"

"Arqarian," QT corrected him.

"Yeah, that…"

Scarlet examined the container, the gelatinous substance that was Scyllia jiggling a bit as she spun the container. Scyllia glared back at Scarlet with a single, purple eyeball, small snake-like tentacles sliding up the sides of the container. She looked closely at bits suspended inside Scylla's body that looked like organs.

"Wow, it's not often we get slime aliens. An Arqarian, you say?" Dandy nodded proudly. "Let me run a quick search…" Scarlet typed away at her computer.

"I guarantee you won't find anything on it," Dandy assured her.

"You're right, the database doesn't show anything on her. And you say she calls herself an Arqarian? Is she sentient?"

"Quite," Meow answered, rolling his eyes.

"And I helped catch it, too!" Carrie asserted, shoving Dandy aside. "It grew huge and was like, roar, grr! But I threw rocks at it and…"

"Throwing rocks does _not _count as helping," Dandy interrupted her, shoving her aside. Carrie scowled at Dandy again. "Meow helped the most. If it wasn't for his idea with that orange Sham-Wow rip-off thing, we wouldn't have been able to catch it?"

"Sham-Wow rip-off?" Scarlet asked.

"Yeah, it absorbs water, so we had to use it to soak out all the water it stole." Dandy rubbed his nose with his finger.

"So keep it away from water," Meow added.

QT placed a data chip on Scarlet's desk. "Here, this should help. It's all the data I collected when I contained her."

"Wow, I've never had an alien hunter give us anything like this! This will help immensely!" Scarlet placed the container inside a tube and it was sucked away. "Let me copy this data real quick…" Scarlet plugged the data chip into her computer and skimmed over the data. "Wow, she's even more lewd than you, Dandy…"

"I doubt that…" QT muttered. Dandy kicked the little robot to silence her.

"Scyllia's her name, eh? She has an interesting biological structure… You know, this is the first true slime alien I've looked at."

"Oh?" Dandy said.

"Yup." Scarlet pulled the chip out of her computer and handed it to Dandy. "I've gotten everything off of it. After my boss runs through the data and something is done with Scyllia, we'll have your check ready." Dandy grinned greedily.

"You know, I wonder where the registry center gets the money to pay all these alien hunters," QT inquired, resting next to Dandy and the others, who were now sitting on a bench facing the never-ending line of alien hunters.

"As long as they keep paying me, I don't care." Dandy laid back and stretched his legs out.

Carrie took a bite out of another surveillance probe she had captured and yawned. "I think I'll take a nap…" And with that, Carrie quickly went off to sleep, dropping the remains of the probe on the floor.

"Ugh, I can't wait to get out of here," Meow groaned. "I always hate waiting in this place."

"Well, you won't be waiting for long," Scarlet's voice replied. "The Arquarian has been registered and given a place to live since we can't send her back to that mining facility. As for your reward, spend it wisely." Scarlet handed Dandy a check for two-hundred and fifty thousand woolongs.

"Hell yeah!" Dandy took the check and stuffed in his jacket pocket. "Say, you didn't place that alien somewhere close by, did you?"

"Not exactly. She was taken in as a crewmember by another alien hunter. Someone by the name of Xander, I think?"

"Xander!?" Dandy gritted his teeth. "I thought he was a sponsor now…"

"Well, it turns out he made enough money with his latest investment to start alien hunting full time again. He's putting together a crew and everything!"

"Why that lousy, no-good asshole!" Dandy yelled. "He knows this is _my_ hunting turf!"

"What's wrong?" Scarlet asked. "Can't handle a little competition?"

"Not like we're not competing with thousands of other alien hunters..." QT pointed at the huge line of alien hunters in front of them.

"Yeah, but those guys are nameless extras!" Dandy argued.

"Let's just go get this check cashed and bask in our new-found wealth before the reset button at the beginning of the next chapter takes it away from us," Meow said.

"What about Carrie?" QT asked.

"Eh, she'll be back at the ship by the next chapter," Dandy replied, walking out the door with Meow and QT. "Let's go have us a good time at Boobies!"

"Yeah!" QT and Meow exclaimed, throwing their fists in the air.

"Wait, aren't we forgetting something?" QT asked. Dandy and Meow stared at the reader. Meanwhile, back on the asteroid, the dehydrated miner was still there.

"Hello…," he wheezed. "I'm still dying of thirst here! Damn…that… guy…"


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: First off, I am SO sorry it took this long to update! When I came home for spring break, I came home to discover that I had been volunteered to help with a bunch of stuff, so I've not had any time to write. Don't get me wrong, I was happy to help, since most of it was homework my mom needed help with. As for the previous weeks, I've been busy with college mid-terms, even though I'm not sure why I'm bothering, since the college is thinking of dropping my major… Anyways, enjoy the fic!**

**The universe is filled with billions of extraterrestrial beings, many of them new and undiscovered! But one man named Dandy plans on finding and registering them all! He travels the universe with his crew and amazing pompadour in search of adventure, excitement, and boobies! These are the adventures of the dandiest guy in space, Space Dandy!**

Commodore Perry's Lady Liberty-shaped starship docked at a massive space station shaped like a dumbbell. Its crew disembarked the vessel and were led to a room by some guards. A large holographic screen projected on the wall in front of them, Claire's face on it.

"Ah Commodore," she said. "I hope your trip was pleasant."

"If you think we're going to swear our allegiance to you just because you _supposedly_ bought out our empire, then you've got another thing coming! You're not even canon!" Commodore Perry yelled.

"Oh, I assure you, the transaction has been made and was very legal. In fact, your boss is enjoying himself at the resort planet on Tenrei. He mentioned something about retirement… Anyway, I wanted to talk to you personally about your record. From what I've seen, your performance has been… unsatisfactory."

"I helped win fourteen battles during the Gogol-Jaicro Wars, and I fought in the Sendraeti Hyperdrive Wars."

"And those are remarkable achievements," Claire assured the Commodore. "However I was referring to your recent assignment of apprehending a young man named Space Dandy. Why has it taken you so much time capturing one man?"

"I put my best man in charge of that mission-"

"And he failed you," Claire interrupted. "We're going to keep you on, but you must prove your worth. Cybersol has looked into the Gogol's records on this 'Space Dandy', and we are highly intrigued. In order to keep your position, you must capture Space Dandy, his ship, and his crew unharmed. You will use only your initial resources and your own funds. You have one month. If you do not succeed, it will cost you your job _and_ your life." Claire smirked coyly at him. Commodore Perry scowled back at her. "I will, however, lend you my associate, Shusuka. I'm sure you've grown fond of her during your trip here." Commodore Perry frowned at the cybernetic woman, who was standing at the door.

"Very well," Commodore Perry replied. "I'll capture Dandy, his crew, and his ship and bring them to you."

"Very good, Commodore." Claire leaned back in her chair. "Remember, you have one month. Good luck!" And with that, the holographic screen vanished.

"What are your orders, sir?" Dr. Gel asked the Commodore.

"I want capturing Dandy to be your top priority!" Commodore Perry replied sternly. "No more fooling around! We are going to capture Dandy and use him to overthrow this Cybersol Industries and take it for ourselves! And you will be my right hand man!"

"I like the sound of that…" Dr. Gel mumbled, imagining himself surrounded by ethrite crystals and scantily-clad women.

"But sir," Bea, the cucumber-shaped alien said. "What about her?" He pointed his thumb at Shusuka, who was just staring at the other side of the room with a cold stare.

"We'll reprogram her, or something," Commodore Perry replied. "And if she stands in our way after we've caught Dandy, we'll simply destroy her! Alright, let's move out!" And with that, Commodore Perry, Shusuka, and all the rest of the Commodore's men boarded their ship and flew off to capture Dandy.

Meanwhile, the _Aloha Oe _was rocketing through hyperspace, far away from its usual docking space.

"Dandy, don't you think we should take a moment and read the stuff in the first few paragraphs first?" QT asked the alien hunter who was sitting at the ship's controls.

"Like I said last chapter, we'll worry about that later," Dandy answered. "Right now, we're going to go eat breakfast at the new Boobies that opened up!"

QT sighed. "Very well… Hey, shouldn't Carrie and Meow be awake already? It's 10 AM."

"I thought I saw Carrie up a little while ago," Dandy replied.

"Well I haven't seen her."

"She better not be eating my magazines again!" Dandy yelled. He put the ship on auto-pilot and stormed into his bedroom. "Carrie! How many times must I tell you…" He looked around, but everything was fine. There wasn't either hide or hair of the Sepian anywhere in his room.

"Carrie's not in her room," QT said. "I even cleaned it for her, hoping to find her buried under all her junk, but I couldn't find her."

"What about Meow?" Dandy asked.

"He's passed out on the sofa…" Dandy cupped his ear, allowing him to hear Meow's nasally snores coming from the ship's lounge. "Yup, still asleep."

"Hi guys!" Dandy and QT heard Carrie say as she meandered past the door.

"Hold on!" Dandy shouted at the Sepian. "Where were you?"

"I overslept," Carrie replied.

"Overslept, but you never oversleep!" Dandy exclaimed. "You're always up early!"

"Calm down, Dandy," QT said. "There's a first time for everything."

Dandy eyed the Sepian suspiciously. "When the hell did you hair get shorter?"

Carrie turned around to face Dandy. "I trimmed it," she said flatly.

"I take it you trimmed your tail as well…" Dandy pointed out, noticing Carrie's tail was shorter than it normally was.

"What are you talking about?" Carrie asked, sounding rather defensive.

"Oh cut the act! You're not Carrie!"

"Dandy, what do you mean?" QT asked. "That has to be Carrie! Who else would she be?"

"Shut up, QT! Another thing, Carrie had meat stains on her shirt this morning and that shirt is clean! In fact, I've never seen her wear anything that clean since this fanfic started!"

"Maybe I decided to wear a clean shirt," Carrie argued.

"You're not fooling anyone! Who are you?" Dandy went to grab "Carrie", but she pulled out a gun from behind her back and pointed it at Dandy.

"Get back, Dandy," "Carrie" demanded. Dandy raised his hands and stood back. Quite confused, QT threw her arms in the air. "Don't make any sudden moves, either of you!"

"You know, you're a terrible actor," Dandy smirked, his hands still raised. "Also I knew something was wrong the moment I saw you walk past the doorway. Carrie's ass is nowhere near as full as yours is."

The imposter tilted her head to the side a bit. Seeing an opening, Dandy rushed her. Carrie pulled the trigger, but Dandy pushed her arm out of the way, causing her to shoot a hole in the wall. Dandy wrestled the gun away from her and tossed it aside. He pinned her to the wall, easily overpowering her.

"Now, who are you and what have you done with our crew member?" Dandy asked.

The imposter kicked Dandy in the balls, causing him to release her and collapse to the ground. She ran down the hallway, but she tripped and hit her head on a coffee table. Still in excruciating pain from being kicked between his legs, Dandy staggered to his feet and he and QT went to apprehend their unconscious stowaway. When they got to her, they discovered shards of some broken, flesh-colored shards lying beside her. QT picked one up and scanned it.

"It appears to be a brittle material of some kind," the little robot informed Dandy.

Dandy rolled her over with his foot and made a disturbing discovery. The imposter's true face was merely a system of metal cogs and mechanical parts, with a set of almost marble-like eyeballs that looked exactly like Carrie's. The gears whirred to life again and the imposter grabbed Dandy's leg. Dandy countered by stomping on its exposed face, smashing it to bits. Cogs, gears, and mechanical parts flew everywhere.

"What the hell was that thing?" Dandy grimaced, still in pain.

"It appeared to be an android of some kind, but made out of intricate clockwork parts," QT replied, examining the broken pieces. "I haven't seen anything like this in quite some time."

"Yeah, you _would_ remember clockwork tech," Dandy joked. He stuffed his hands in his pants pockets.

"I'm not that old!" QT snapped. "Anyways, you've smashed its memory disc, so we can't read its memory anymore."

"Memory disc?" Dandy asked, sifting through the parts with his foot. "I don't see anything like that."

"The memory disc used for clockwork machines was a disk with holes and grooves etched into it made of vinyl." QT picked up a few black shards and showed them to Dandy.

"Like a vinyl record?" Dandy asked.

"Sort of. They use the same principal, but are much different." Meow walked into the hallway and looked at the mess.

"Whoa, what the hell happened in here?" He asked. Dandy pulled his gun out and pointed it at Meow.

"Hold it right there!" Dandy yelled, putting the barrel of his gun in Meow's face.

"Wha-what the hell is wrong with you!?" Meow stammered as Dandy pulled on his face.

"Yeah, you're you…" Dandy shoved Meow out of the way. He picked up QT and examined her.

"Hey! What are you doing!?" QT protested.

"Just checking," Dandy answered, opening up QT's maintenance panels. "Yeah, you're you, too." Dandy then felt of his face, pulling on his cheeks and ears.

"Could someone tell me what the hell is going on!?" Meow screamed.

"Apparently Carrie was replaced by some mechanical, clockwork doppelganger," QT replied.

"Well, looks like we're all human," Dandy said, holstering his gun.

"So what do we do with that?" Meow asked, pointing at the fake, mechanical Carrie, who was still lying broken on the floor.

"Toss it in the garbage bin."

"That thing was obviously after us for some reason," QT added. "We better head back to the docks and investigate."

"I agree. We can also stop at the Boobies there and get some breakfast!" Dandy waved a sheet of paper around. "I got coupons!"

"Is that all you can think about?" QT groaned.

"Hey, a man's gotta eat, baby!" Dandy exclaimed.

"Yeah, we can't investigate on an empty stomach!" Meow added.

"Ugh fine," QT conceded.

Dandy turned the _Aloha Oe_ around and docked it back in its original hangar. Dandy, QT, and Meow all exited the ship, prepared to carry out their investigation, as well as stop for breakfast at Boobies. However, the aliens and people that worked at the docks were strangely absent, and all of the usual hustle and bustle was eerily absent.

"Whoa, where are all the dock workers?" Dandy asked, looking around at the deserted hangar.

"Where's _anybody_ for that matter," Meow added, looking around.

"I have a bad feeling about this," QT said.

"Maybe they're just at Boobies redeeming their coupons! Yeah, that's it!"

"Of course!" QT said sarcastically. "All two-hundred and thirty thousand inhabitants went to Boobies to redeem their coupons _at the same time!_"

"Hey, it could happen!" QT groaned and covered her sensor screen.

Dandy and his two companions wandered deeper into the colony. Everything was deserted, however all the hangars were just as full as usual. Eventually, the three of them circled back to their own hangar.

"Check this out," Meow said, holding up a pair of leather loafers. "I found these in front of the newsstand. It's as if the person wearing them was sucked out if their shoes!"

"Maybe they all won a cruise or something," QT suggested.

"Let's go check Boobies out," Dandy said. "Maybe we'll find someone there."

The crew flew to the nearby Boobies restaurant, however the result was the same. Plates of half-eaten food and mugs of barely-touched beer sat at all the tables. There wasn't any sign of a struggle and everything was neat and tidy, save for the lack of customers and waitresses. The floor even looked as if it were freshly cleaned!

"Damn, not a soul here," Dandy remarked. "Let's split up. QT, you look in the kitchen. Meow, you stay around the front and keep watch. I'll check around back. "

"Don't have to tell me twice!" Meow jumped in a booth and took him a swig of beer from an abandoned mug.

Dandy wandered around to the back while QT went into the kitchen. The result was similar. More tables filled with barely-touched food and drinks. There wasn't a pickle out of place, save for the fact that the normally bustling restaurant was completely devoid of life. Dandy began poking around behind the counter with his gun drawn when he heard a door slam and lock. Dandy crept towards the noise as he heard the sound of more doors locking as he crept closer. Suddenly, all the lights went out and the whole restaurant was engulfed in an eerie silence. Dandy ducked behind a table; he knew something was about to go down. He waited for several minutes when he heard the familiar squeaking of QT's axles turning followed by the plodding of what he presumed to be Meow's footsteps.

"QT, Meow… Is that you?" Dandy whispered. No answer.

Dandy ducked behind the counter and followed it around to the front of the restaurant. The booth Meow was sitting at was completely empty. He could still hear the squeaking and footsteps in the back of the restaurant.

"QT! Meow!" Dandy called out.

The noises stopped, bringing back the ominous silence. They then started up again, however they sounded like they were coming towards the alien hunter. Dandy began to panic. He ran for the front door, but it was both locked. Dandy tried to break the glass with a chair, but the chair just glanced off the glass.

"What's wrong, Dandy?" He heard a voice sounding like Meow ask maliciously. Dandy spun around to see two figures looking like Meow and QT standing behind him, QT holding a huge carving knife and Meow holding a couple of steak knives.

"S-stay back!" Dandy warned them, aiming his laser gun at them. QT and Meow slowly walked towards him, holding their knives over their heads. Dandy squeezed the trigger of his gun, but it wouldn't fire. "What the hell? I just charged this thing this morning!"

Desperate to escape, Dandy lunged at the glass door and broke through, QT and Meow still coming toward him. Dandy threw his useless laser gun at Meow, knocking him over and shattering his now-plastic skin, revealing a set of gears in his chest like the ones in the imposter Carrie's face. Dandy scrambled to his feet and ran. Dandy ran to his ship, the _Aloha Oe_, however as he got closer to the ship, the heavier his legs felt. The ship was finally in his sight, but his legs felt like jello and he fell to his knees.

"What the hell's going on?" Dandy asked as he tried to move his legs.

He found a huge shard of glass in the side of one of his legs. It didn't hurt and he wasn't bleeding for some reason, but it was impeding his progress somehow. He could hear the Meow and QT imposters heading his way, the Meow imposter raking his steak knives against the metal wall as he approached. He crawled towards the ship when a familiar-looking foot wearing a flip-flop stepped in front of him. Dandy looked up to see what looked like Carrie standing over him, only her head was missing, replaced instead by a broken cog and gear ticking away out of the top of her neck. She reached down and grabbed Dandy by his arms as "QT" and "Meow" finally caught up with him.

"Get your hands off me, you damn Chinese knock-offs!"

Dandy shoved the clockwork Carrie away from him as the clockwork QT and Meow grabbed him from behind. Dandy wrestled with them as the clockwork Carrie stood to her feet and wrapped her arms around his neck in a chokehold. The clockwork QT forced Dandy's hands behind his back as the clockwork Meow grabbed his ankles. He began to suffocate as the scene around him grew fuzzier and fuzzier. He wrestled the clockwork Carrie to the ground, but she still clung to his neck, choking him further. He watched as a familiar-looking pair of boots with metal trimmings set down in front of him, then he blacked out.

Dandy stayed unconscious for several minutes, long enough for the clockwork imposters to do whatever they wished with him. When the alien hunter came to, he found himself inside a warehouse, hanging upside down with his legs chained to the ceiling. He saw a guy that looked exactly like him standing in front of him, combing his hair.

"Hey, how's it hangin', baby?" The guy stepped jerkily towards him and poked Dandy in the forehead with his finger, causing him to rock back and forth.

"Ugh, what happened?" Dandy asked groggily. When he came to his senses, he found that the guy standing in front of him looked exactly like himself! "Hey you're another one of those cheap knock-offs!"

"Those are some pretty harsh words," the clockwork Space Dandy replied. He combed his fake pompadour with a switchblade comb.

"Where's my crew?" The real Dandy asked.

"Trust me, you don't wanna know." The fake Dandy popped his comb in his pocket.

"Who are you really? _What_ are you?"

"I am a clockwork android designed by master clocksmith Kogg and built by the Clockworkians. I was built along with my counterparts to replace you and your crew in the Clockworkian's plan to take over the universe." The fake Meow, QT, and Carrie stepped out of the shadows and stood behind the fake Dandy.

"So what are you gonna do with me?" Dandy asked.

"What we do with all the useless flesh-bags we capture!" The fake Dandy pulled a remote control from his pocket. "Throw you in our incinerator!" He pressed a button and Dandy lurched sideways. The fake Dandy followed him as he started to move along slowly. "You see, the machine that creates us is steam-powered, and in order to keep it running, we must heat liquids at extremely high temperatures, and fortunately, most people are composed of seventy-percent liquid!" Dandy shuttered as he could feel the air around him get hotter and hotter. "See ya around, baby!" The imposter Dandy quipped as he walked away, leaving Dandy to his fate.

"I gotta get out of here!" Dandy exclaimed as he bent up to try and free himself.

Dandy fiddled with the chain. He could feel the heat from that furnace blasting his body, even though he couldn't even see it yet. He could also hear the mechanical ticking of more clockwork doppelgangers as they marched off an assembly line close by. Dandy finally wriggled himself loose and he hit the metal floor with a thud.

"Stop him!" He heard a voice sounding like his own shout.

Dandy stood to his feet as clockwork copies of Xander, Honey, Dr. Gel, Scarlet, and other unnamed extras surrounded him. Dandy picked up the chain and swung it at the mechanical Xander, smashing his mechanical body to pieces. He swung the chain around his head to take out another one, when suddenly the chain just… melted! Dandy watched as the chain melted into some sort of grey, liquid and slipped through his hands.

"Whoa," Dandy mumbled.

Wasting no time, he ran deeper into the warehouse, the clockwork copies chasing after him with jerky movements akin to wind-up toys. Dandy ran as fast as he could, his legs feeling fine once again for some reason. However, the deeper into the warehouse he ran, the hotter he felt, even though that machine the Clockworkians tried to dump him in was in the opposite direction he was going. Dandy saw a door leading out of there and ran for it, but before he could leave, two figures blocked his way, both of them wearing 17th century clown masks.

"Going somewhere, Mr. Dandy?" One of them asked.

"Yeah, I'm getting out of this madhouse!" Dandy turned to run the other way, but found himself surrounded by a sea of mechanical doubles.

"I am afraid you won't be going anywhere," the other clown-faced being said.

"What the hell are you?" Dandy asked as the mechanical doppelgangers closed in on him.

"We are Clockworkians. We are the most superior creations of master clock smith, Mr. Kogg, and these are our creations. You see, all other forms of life are inferior to us Clockworkians."

"Clockwork machines can work indefinitely as long as they are maintenanced properly while fleshlings grow old and feeble."

"We are the future!" The Clockworkians and their army of mechanical clones shouted.

"Stay back!" Dandy backed off as the mechanical beings closed in on him, however his feet became stuck in some sort of sticky stuff. Dandy looked down and to his amazement, the metal floor was melting beneath his feet into this sticky, goop. Dandy sunk into it as if it were quicksand and he fell through just before the Clockworkians got their hands on him.

Dandy fell through some sort of black void, giant gears and the faces of the Clockworkians whizzing past him. Dandy landed on another metal floor, surrounded by boxes of gears and old-looking machine parts. He grabbed a large metal axle with a gear welded to it and made his way through the maze of boxes. He eventually came to a dimly-lit empty space with a small desk in the center. A shriveled old man sat at it, chained to a chair that was also bolted to the floor, blueprints piled on top of the desk. Dandy looked over his shoulder to see that he was drawing up blueprints for more of those clockwork clones!

"So you're behind those monsters!" Dandy exclaimed. The old man turned his head to try and look at Dandy, but was unable to look him in the eye due to his body being chained to the chair.

"Regretfully I am…" The man replied. "I am Mr. Kogg, creator of the Clockworkians."

"What happened to you?" Dandy asked.

"A long time ago, when I was young, I created wondrous clockwork machines. The Clockworkians were my greatest creations, intelligent androids made from clockwork parts. Unfortunately, they turned on me and forced me to design these for them!" Mr. Kogg showed Dandy some blueprints for his own clockwork double and for the other clockwork doppelgangers. "I've been designing clockwork soldiers for them for the past four hundred years, replacing entire civilizations with clockwork doubles."

Dandy used the axle piece he was wielding to break Mr. Kogg free from his bonds. "Well then, I guess you're overdue for a holiday, then!"

"Bless you, Mr. Dandy!" Dandy put Mr. Kogg on his back and made his way to an open door. "Say, what's the deal with the floor melting?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Mr. Kogg replied.

Dandy felt of his head. "Those guys must've hit me harder than I thought…" Dandy ran through the exit with the old man on his back and took a left down a long hallway. "Now where are we gonna find a ship to escape with?" Dandy looked through a window and saw the _Aloha Oe _docked at the warehouse. "How convenient!"

"Stop right there, Mr. Dandy!" The two Clockworkians from before stepped in front of Dandy from behind a dark corner, both of them holding guns. "Put Mr. Kogg down and come quietly." Their clockwork creations blocked the hallway behind Dandy and there weren't any doors or garbage shoots for him to escape into.

"It looks like we're at the end of the line," Mr. Kogg said sadly. "Thank you for trying anyway…"

"We're not caught yet!"

Dandy held his breath and jumped through a window into open space, a vacuum with _no air_! Dandy somehow flew towards his ship as the Clockworkians were sucked into space along with their creations and flung off into parts unknown. Dandy slammed into the side of his ship like a bug on a windshield, Mr. Kogg still clinging to his back. Dandy then crawled into an air vent, jumped into his seat at the ship's controls, and got the hell out of there!

Later on, Dandy found himself standing before the Intergalactic Federation of Free Systems, Mr. Kogg standing at his side. Thousands of creatures from across the galaxy surrounded him all dressed in their finest attire with the entire IFFS council seated in front of him. One of their members, a slender creature with a long neck, got out of his seat and approached the handsome alien hunter.

"For ridding the universe of those creepy, outdated clockwork monsters, the IFFS would like to reward you with our highest honor, the Star of Orion!" The long-necked alien gave Dandy a star-shaped medal that glistened like an actual star. "Also, as a bonus for your heroism and devilishly good-looks, we'd also like to present you with this check for nine-hundred ninety-nine bloo-million woolongs, a coupon for unlimited free meals from Boobies, and all the waitresses that have ever worked at Boobies!"

Dandy took the check as he was surrounded by shapely, scantily-clad waitresses, his eyes tearing up. "This is the greatest day of my life! Th-thank you! Thank you all! I know, I'm so awesome!" Dandy wiped some sweat off his forehead; he hadn't stopped sweating since he first woke up in that warehouse. "Could someone cut on some AC? I'm fryin' like an egg…" Suddenly, two of the waitresses grabbed him by the arms as if to restrain him. "Hey, what's going on? Let me go!" Dandy struggled, but for some reason, he couldn't shake them off. Dandy let out a scream.

Meanwhile, in the _real_ world, Dandy was passed out at a medical facility, QT and Meow holding him down on the bed as he flailed around, still screaming. He was still asleep and he had a bandage tied around his arm. Carrie was sulking in a chair in the corner of the room.

"You gotta stay still, Dandy!" QT exclaimed, trying to hold Dandy down. "Scarlett will be here with those records and you'll be better in no time!"

"This is your fault! Why the hell didn't you tell us you were poisonous?" Meow yelled at Carrie.

"Well how was I supposed to know?" Carrie yelled back. "No one ever told me!"

"You should know; it's your body!" Meow smacked the Sepian over the head with an old magazine.

"Why did she bite Dandy, anyways?" QT asked as Dandy calmed down.

"He stepped on my poor tail!" Carrie shouted, cradling her tail.

"Yeah, but poisoning him with your toxic bite and slamming him into the wall, breaking three of his ribs was a bit overboard!" Meow shouted, getting in Carrie's face.

"Stop yelling at me!" Carrie growled.

"I watched you! You chewed on his arm!"

"Hey! Hey!" A voice screamed. Scarlett walked into the room with a doctor holding a file and a few vials containing some kind of green fluid. "You shouldn't be fighting like this while your friend is suffering in his hospital bed! Now, we did some research and while Sepian venom can be fatal, its composition is very primitive so most modern anti-venoms should cure him. QT, what's his status."

"Dandy is currently unconscious and suffering occasional seizures and symptoms of toxic shock," the little yellow robot answered. The doctor took a syringe and put some of the green fluid into it. QT, Meow, and Carrie watched as he unwrapped Dandy's bandage and jabbed it into his arm around the bite.

"There," the doctor said as Dandy seemed to calm down. "Your friend should be fine by tomorrow."

"So, does this mean no more fanfic chapters?" Meow asked.

"Of course not!" The doctor replied. "Like I said, your friend should be fine by tomorrow, however I would advise that you take a rest for a day or so. Then you can get back to alien hunting, or whatever you guys do together."

Dandy finally opened his eyes. "Hey, what's going on?" He groaned. "Ugh, how much did I drink last night?"

"Dandy!" QT exclaimed.

"You gave us quite a scare!" Meow added. "Carrie bit you and sent you to the hospital…" Carrie blew a raspberry at Meow.

"What?" Dandy asked, a puzzled look on his face. "Oh yeah, I got mad at Carrie for eating my magazines, so I stomped on her tail to teach her a lesson, and the rest is a bit blurry… Does the name Mr. Kogg ring a bell to any of you?"

"Mr. Kogg was a famous clocksmith who was enslaved by his creations a long time ago," Scarlett answered. "He was rescued by some young space adventurer a long time ago. What brought this up?"

"Nothing…" Dandy answered. He laid back in his hospital bed and looked up at the ceiling. "Say, do ya wanna meet me at the local ramen bar tomorrow night?" Dandy asked Scarlett, slapping her on the butt.

"I would, but you need your rest!" Scarlett pressed a button by his bed, causing it to fold up on him. Dandy groaned in pain as his bed slowly opened back up.

"Never mind, then…" Dandy groaned.


End file.
